425. Why we want people who don't want us back
The Psychology of your 20s
iHeartPodcasts
4.8 • 1.7K Ratings
🗓️ 4 June 2026
⏱️ 33 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Why do we become obsessed with people who don't want us back? Even when we know it will never work? Even when we know there's no convincing them? In this episode, we unpack the psychology behind unrequited love, limerence, longing, and the irresistible pull of unavailable people, including:
- The neuroscience of craving, attraction, and obsession
- How intermittent reinforcement keeps us emotionally hooked
- Jacques Lacan's "object of desire" theory
- Why high achievers often struggle with unrequited love
- The role of limerence, fantasy, and idealisation
- The Zeigarnik Effect and our need for closure
- Practical strategies to finally move on and let go
- Creating your own closure when none is given
- Plus so so much more
If you've ever found yourself unable to stop thinking about someone who doesn't feel the same way, this episode is for you. Together, we'll explore why it happens, what it reveals about us, and how to break free from the cycle
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | This is an I-Heart podcast. |
| 0:02.5 | Guaranteed human. |
| 0:09.6 | Hello everybody. |
| 0:11.0 | I'm Jemma Spike and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk |
| 0:16.5 | through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. |
| 0:29.3 | Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you |
| 0:35.2 | here back for another episode as we of course break down |
| 0:38.4 | the psychology of our 20s. I want to talk today about a situation or like the deep state |
| 0:47.3 | of human longing that I receive a whole lot of questions about and a whole lot of stories about |
| 0:52.4 | all the time. Finding yourself |
| 0:55.0 | kind of embroiled in a one-sided love affair with somebody who doesn't want you back. I get messages |
| 1:03.1 | about this all the time and I got a message this week from a listener who has been in a situation |
| 1:08.0 | like this for over two years with a co-worker of hers. |
| 1:11.5 | She had like a brief kind of romantic encounter with him, like back in the day. |
| 1:16.4 | They kind of went their separate ways after, like, he made the decision to break it off. |
| 1:21.0 | But she was explaining to me, like, even after he's gone and moved on, he's got a new girlfriend, |
| 1:26.8 | her attachment to him |
| 1:28.0 | hasn't faded. And it's making it really hard to work. It's making it really hard to focus. |
| 1:33.4 | The thing about this is, when you're in it, it feels all-consuming. And like you are the only |
| 1:39.5 | person in the world who could be so silly or who is so stuck on somebody you know you can't be with. |
| 1:47.0 | It feels like how irrational, how strange that our minds cannot let somebody go despite all the |
| 1:53.2 | reason in the world that this person is not right for us. But really, it is so much more common |
... |
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