400-Stop Competing and Win
Delight Your Marriage
Belah Rose
4.7 • 589 Ratings
🗓️ 15 September 2023
⏱️ 38 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
We are LOVING the excitement about the Pre-Engaged Workbook, which will be released soon.
(It is supposed to go live today, but isn't available yet... there is a hold-up in the review process. We will let you know once it goes live!)
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What I think happens a lot in marriages is a dynamic of competition.
They both want to impress their spouse, and both of them are clawing on top of each other trying to get the other one to notice them and admire them.
They're trying to get their spouse to see that they're doing a good job.
At the very same moment, the other spouse is trying to get them to see that they're doing a good job and trying to impress them.
So each is trying to get their security and their approval and their sense of doing a good job from their spouse. And so this competition takes hold.
Instead of enjoying each other and the gift that they are---in the strengths and the differences---they are competing and they can't see past their own hurt and lack of encouragement from their spouse.
So, what I highly recommend is that you consider if this dynamic is happening in your home.
Are you trying to get compliments and admiration and encouragement from your spouse but getting hurt over and over and over again?
My recommendation is that you listen to this episode to understand how to actually receive the affirmation, the approval, and the encouragement you crave.
The good news is you could actually have both security and affirmation… and change the dynamic from competition to love and generous compliments.
You'll find out how if you listen to today's episode.
Blessings,
Belah
PS - Help could be a click away…you're invited to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc to see if you're a good fit for our programs.
What do graduates say about the results of the program?
"Before I took the program, I thought my wife and I were getting on ok, but as it turned out this was far from the case. It soon became clear that my wife had been feeling very lonely and isolated for years, and this had been showing in her behaviour, which though pleasant, was somewhat aloof and detached emotionally."
"Things moved exponentially, very quickly, though not without struggle and some reverses.. She did not recognise this "new husband" as she put it! …Completely unintentionally I had made my wife feel ignored, not attended to, and taken for granted… Communication was generally businesslike rather than affectionate. …As the program has gone on, huge strides have been made in our marriage. We now spend quality time together most meal times, we've started going out on dates again, we are much more playful than before and we enjoy being with each other. Most importantly, my wife has relaxed, she's begun to trust me, and her true bubbly self is coming out into the open. And it's a delight to see. It almost feels like it used to when we were first dating. Sex has even taken on a completely new appearance."
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Welcome to the Delight Your Marriage podcast. You're joining me, Bella Rose, as I dive deep into the beauty, power, and truths about intimacy. |
| 0:11.6 | Learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. Delight your marriage. |
| 0:21.4 | Hi there. |
| 0:22.4 | This is Bella. |
| 0:24.0 | I so appreciate you tuning in. |
| 0:26.0 | This is an episode about a dynamic that I think a lot of couples struggle with, but most |
| 0:35.5 | of them can't understand why they just keep getting hurt by each other. |
| 0:42.3 | They're not realizing that there's this implicit competition that's going on, something under |
| 0:50.8 | the surface, something non-conscious by both of them. It's an unconscious, strange dynamic. |
| 0:58.3 | So we're going to dig into that. We're going to figure out how to change it. |
| 1:02.2 | And hopefully we'll have some laughs along the way. That's my hope for you. So let's dive in. |
| 1:17.7 | Okay. That's my hope for you. So let's dive in. So first thing to share is I've lived in this dynamic, which is why I know it so well. |
| 1:23.9 | And it's a really awful place to be where essentially your spouse and you are not feeling loved by each other |
| 1:36.1 | and each of you are bringing this um like you're both really great people. |
| 1:46.4 | You have a lot of strengths and a lot of skills and a lot of capacity and capability. |
| 1:53.0 | But somehow your spouse is missing it completely, completely. |
| 1:59.0 | And in fact, instead of encouraging you and complimenting you and lifting you up |
| 2:03.9 | and admiring you for all that you are, all they can see, it seems, is the negative. All they can |
| 2:11.4 | comment on is the negative is how you're not good enough. And that's horrific. That's a horrific way to approach life |
| 2:22.2 | with your spouse, to just be consistently pushed down over and over again. And here's the reason. |
| 2:34.5 | Because of this competition dynamic that probably your spouse doesn't realize and probably |
| 2:42.2 | you don't realize is happening, your spouse is looking for your affirmation at the same time |
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