My brother's murder has been the hardest story for me to learn and share.

This episode brought up a lot of difficult emotions for me.

It might for you too.

Please keep that in mind when you listen and think about who might be listening with you.

One of my first memories from the days after John's murderer is being at preschool.

I'm sitting in a circle with my classmates, cross-legged on the thick, multicolored rug.

It's how we usually gather for story time, except this time the story is real.

The teacher is talking to my class about John's death.

I don't remember how much she told us or what kids asked,

but I remember the unsettling feeling that came with hearing about my family so publicly, like being in some kind of grim

fairy tale. A boy went into the woods, met two monsters, and never returned.

The biggest fairy tale of all I learned at age four is that life is safe. Life isn't safe.

Evil is real. One minute, you could be riding your bike on the way to get candy, and the next,

you could be dead. Anything could happen anywhere at any time.

How was I? How was my family?

How is anyone supposed to live with that?

My parents were struggling with that question and trying to figure out how to talk about it with me and my brother, Andy.

I was never not willing to talk about it with me and my brother Andy. I was never not willing to talk about it.

It was so bizarre and so taboo and scary.

What was taboo?

Death.

I'm David Kushner, and this is Alligator Candy.

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