Hello, I'm an expensive voice actor, and you're listening to regular features, the podcast that is the same every week.

The Lance have paid me a cool two-figure sum to record an intro to their little podcast,

because I have got a suave voice that lends an air of sexual confidence and authority to any audio recording.

And you can hire me too. I have no moral framework for accepting or refusing work. So if you want

someone to say, your dad takes two dice into the toilet and

only wipes his bum if he rolls a double six. Or, hey mum, nice bra, be a shame if it got

unclasped by my army of robots. Or your dad flushes the toilet while he's still sat down because he likes to feel the splash of water on his balls.

Then just hook me up with the commission baby.

I shouldn't talk for long because you'll get over-excited by my seductive velvety tom braw.

And I don't want you to start leaking pre-com into your adult nappies.

What I've got in front of me here on this table in front of me are three audio bombs

ticking away on the table in front of me.

And I fancy filling my lug holes with the shrapnel of a goodog vorbis.

I'm just gonna cut the wire on the first of these bad eggs.

Hello, readers. It's me, Jean-Luc Picard.

Steve couldn't be here this week because he got a bad head, so I've stepped in to fill his boots.

Welcome aboard the USS Enterprise.

I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard, full name Jonathan Lukewarm Picardie Breaser.

My mission to boldly go where no one has ever even been.

Allow me to give you the tour.

This is the holodeck where absolutely anything can happen.

Computer generate seven gallons of Earl Grey spilling out of the mouth of Daniela Westbrook.

...