How are you I really appreciate your inquiring after my health. It means a lot caught you really knowing. Where are you right now? I'm a chair. You're on your chair. What does that mean? My parents. Oh, excuse me, Madame. There was a time when you would refer to it as a balcony balcony.

Oh la la. Okay, listen, I have to say one thing. I just have to say one thing. Just one thing. No, there's one. Can I tell you you're my wonderwall.

From Gimlett Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight. Today's episode. John.

Right after the break.

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You showed my mom your dad hosted by to the number called stream free with ITVX the UK's freshest streaming service. I'm happy to do a 321 star. If it'll be helpful, but I also don't need to let's do a 321 start. I'll I'll do it and then you just do the one green author of some of the most popular and beloved YA novels of the 21st century. Books like the fault in our stars.

321 start. We were so in sync. It's like we were singing do. But there's a version of John's life in which none of his books exist. Because as a young man in his 20s, John wanted to dedicate his life to the church.

I wanted to become an ordained minister. I wanted to go to Divinity School.

At the time, John was struggling with feelings of dread and depression. He was searching for meaning and purpose. He thought a life in the ministry might offer a way forward.

So that that was the road that you were on. You were going to go to Divinity School. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I got in and then I didn't go.

Because why? Because of my time as a chaplain.

In anticipation of Divinity School, John began an apprenticeship as a chaplain and an Ohio Children's Hospital.

Up until then, John's relationship to his faith had been mostly philosophical. He do a lot of thinking about God in the abstract.

But at the hospital, his faith would be put to the test as he dealt with actual people experiencing actual tragedy.

John was assigned to the Children's Cardiac and neurology units.

But I was 21 years old. I mean, it was my first job. It was my first job other than working at Steak and Shake.

And I was a shitty chaplain. Why do you feel that way?

I mean, I fainted. You can't faint. You can't faint.

John hoped that with time, he'd grow into the job. But then came a night that made him question whether he was suited for the job at all.

A quick word of warning. Some of John's descriptions here are pretty graphic.

I think it was my third night on call. So I was still really new at being a chaplain.

And I was reading a grief observed by CS Lewis, which is about the death of his wife.

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