368: Relationship Essentials with Dr. Stan Tatkin
The Adult Chair Podcast with Michelle Chalfant
Michelle Chalfant
4.9 • 1.6K Ratings
🗓️ 25 May 2023
⏱️ 80 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Watch any rom-com or fairy tale and they'd have you believe relationships are as simple as meeting someone and falling in love. But is love really all it takes to have a healthy relationship?
Though we often think of relationships as a matter of the heart, the truth is there's a whole world of chemistry happening in your body and brain that has more impact on your relationship than you realize, such as:
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What partner you pick
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How you bond and attach
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What you perceive as threat in a relationship
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How you respond to stress
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The way your mind stores memories
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How you view your partner
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And ultimately whether your connection grows or dissolves over time
Dr. Stan Tatkin, who looks at relationships through a biological and psychological lens, is back on the podcast this week talking about the relationship essentials that lead to not just long-lasting relationships but happy relationships.
He breaks down what's really going on under the surface in different relationship situations (like conflict or betrayal), the critical role our threat response plays in building or damaging connection and how to consciously create more secure functioning based on principles like fairness, justice and mutuality.
Listen to discover:
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The two things that cause relationships to dissolve
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How our stress and threat response systems impact our relationships
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Why our brains "automate" and how to stop taking your partner for granted
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The difference between attachment and love
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The importance of "quick repair" in a relationship
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How to build more secure functioning in your partnership
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The dangers of loneliness and isolation
We must have safety in order to have connection. Dr. Tatkin says the goal is to learn how to remove interpersonal stress and feelings of threat in relationships, which lead to not just relationship health but mental, emotional and physical health for everyone in and around the relationship.
The next time you meet a new love interest or the next time you and your beloved are having a conversation, don't just ask how you feel about the situation – also pay attention to how your nervous system is reacting and what your body is telling you. This awareness is key to picking the right partner, creating more emotional safety and building more life-giving, long-term partnerships.
"[One reason relationships fail is] the manner in which all of us will interact when one or both of us is under stress. And this has to do with threat...where our brain changes and we start to, on some level, believe that the other person is not an ally." - Dr. Stan Tatkin
"Everything is about relationships and how we navigate our way in those relationships." - Michelle Chalfant
"Learning about ourselves is intertwined with learning about another person." - Dr. Stan Tatkin
"The only remedy to automation...is presence and attention. We have to build things in that ensure we're in love or in respect." - Dr. Stan Tatkin
"When we are in an argument with our beloved, it's so important to give them something while we are in process." - Michelle Chalfant
"Quick repair actually saves us downstream...the smart thing to do is to fix things now so that we don't end up spending all of our time in the junkyard, not living life but sorting out everything we did wrong." - Dr. Stan Tatkin
"The main problem with most issues around affairs, cheating is the lying...the biggest damage is the reveal of information that, if I had known, would have changed everything for me." - Dr. Stan Tatkin
"Everybody has a different way of determining what is happy for them." - Dr. Stan Tatkin
"It goes back to open, honest, raw communication, no matter what kind of relationship you're in." - Michelle Chalfant
"This whole thing about, 'I can't quit you,' isn't a rational drive, but it is powerful as hell." - Dr. Stan Tatkin
"The secret to longevity, happiness, mental health, physical health is the presence of at least one secure functioning relationship in your life." - Dr. Stan Tatkin
"I think we need to start taking some risks of just inviting people over for dinner or out to coffee or go to lunch...start taking that risk and be brave and start connecting more. We need in-person connection." - Michelle Chalfant
LINKS & RESOURCES
Dr. Stan Tatkin Website
https://www.thepactinstitute.com/
"In Each Other's Care" (Dr. Stan Tatkin Book)
https://www.amazon.com/Each-Others-Care-Relationship-Conflicts-ebook/dp/B0B19FWBXL
Episode #328: Understanding And Improving Your Relationship With Dr. Stan Tatkin
https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/328/
Find an Adult Chair® Coach
https://theadultchair.com/coach
Share Your Love: Review The Adult Chair® Podcast
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-adult-chair/id941317634
Headspace
Try it free for 30 days
https://www.headspace.com/adult30
MORE ADULT CHAIR
The Adult Chair® Website
The Adult Chair Events
https://theadultchair.com/events/
The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification
https://theadultchair.com/certification
STAY CONNECTED
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/
The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | So I've recently noticed that when I am stressed, it affects my relationships, not just my |
| 0:07.6 | personal relationships, but also my work relationships. You know, I'm kind of like short tempered. |
| 0:13.3 | I just don't have the bandwidth to listen to people in the way that I am when I'm more balanced |
| 0:19.9 | and centered. So something that I love to do is practice meditation. And I have discovered an |
| 0:28.0 | standing app that does just this and so much more. It is called headspace. |
| 0:34.4 | Headspace helps improve mental health through gut limitations. They've got mindful practices, |
| 0:40.5 | breathing and calming exercises and so much more. All of these tools can help not only reduce |
| 0:46.7 | anxiety and boost your mood and help you sleep, but also decrease stress. And when you only have |
| 0:54.4 | a few minutes to get in the right headspace, there are programs to do on the go when you're |
| 1:00.5 | pressed for time. I've got to tell you, I just started a new one the other day. It's called, |
| 1:04.7 | believe it or not, managing stress. And it's only 10 minutes a day. It's a four week program, |
| 1:12.2 | 10 minutes a day. Who does not have 10 minutes a day, right? Headspace has the world's largest |
| 1:18.3 | library in content with over a thousand hours of clinically proven mental health exercises. |
| 1:25.0 | So headspace has helped me in more than 100 million people worldwide. And they can help you to |
| 1:31.5 | listen up. You do not want to miss this. I've got something really special for you. For limited time, |
| 1:37.4 | all of you can try headspace free for 30 days by going to headspace.com slash adult 30. You won't |
| 1:45.6 | find this offer anywhere else. You must use my link H-E-A-D-S-P-A-C-E dot com slash adult 30 to unlock |
| 1:57.6 | all of headspace free for 30 days. This is not something that they normally do. Headspace.com slash adult 30. |
| 2:08.1 | Hi, I'm Michelle Shelfand, psychotherapist, holistic life coach, and human just like you, |
| 2:14.0 | learning to navigate life challenges. With over 25 years experience, I teach people how to get |
| 2:19.7 | healthy using the adult chair model. The adult chair model is where simple psychology meets grounded |
| 2:25.9 | spirituality, and it teaches us how to become healthy adults. From anxiety and depression, |
... |
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