336. Why do we crave external validation?
The Psychology of your 20s
iHeartPodcasts
4.8 • 1.7K Ratings
🗓️ 25 September 2025
⏱️ 43 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
In our twenties, the feedback sources that once defined our worth - grades, report cards, and parental praise - start to disappear. This leaves a void, which many of us instinctively turn to external sources like social media, career achievements, and the opinions of others, to fill. And while this external validation isn’t inherently bad, we need to be mindful of refilling our own sense of self before becoming reliant on others.
In this episode, we discuss why a life built on others' approval is like living on quicksand and how to cultivate a sturdy, reliable sense of self that will withstand the inevitable ebb and flow of external opinions.
We’ll explore:
• The difference between external and internal validation
• Why our brains are wired to seek social approval
• The looking glass self and the inherent need to belong
• How contingent self-esteem can quietly erode confidence
• How to recognise when you’re outsourcing your self-worth
• Balancing feedback without letting it define you
If the number of likes on your Instagram post has ever dictated how you feel - this episode is for you.
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For business: psychologyofyour20s@gmail.com
The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | This is an I-Heart podcast. |
| 0:08.4 | Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk |
| 0:15.7 | through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. |
| 0:27.3 | Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, |
| 0:33.4 | old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode |
| 0:38.4 | as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s. Today, we're going to talk about |
| 0:44.5 | external validation. We're going to talk about external validation and why it is that we seem to |
| 0:50.4 | spend so much of our short, precious, miraculous lives looking for approval. |
| 0:56.3 | It's this thought that seems to, like, stalk us in the back of even our most confident |
| 1:00.9 | moments. You know, but do they like me? Am I enough? Like, what are they secretly thinking |
| 1:06.6 | about me? Have I proved myself yet? And I can't be the only one who has kind of realized how much |
| 1:12.4 | these thoughts just like take from being able to just exist in my own timeline, in my own body, |
| 1:18.7 | in the moment, in the things that I enjoy. It's like every single time I do something, |
| 1:24.0 | there is always this thought that has to be devoted to someone else, which is honestly pretty |
| 1:28.5 | exhausting. In our 20s, I think we are particularly susceptible to the hunger and the need for |
| 1:35.7 | external validation. It is a decade of first jobs, first out-up relationships, first time |
| 1:40.9 | living independently. And because everything feels uncertain, sometimes it feels |
| 1:45.1 | like we just keep looking to our left, keep looking to others, looking over our shoulder, |
| 1:49.6 | looking for someone to like give us a sign or give us some sense of guidance that we are getting it |
| 1:55.7 | right, that we ourselves are right. And don't get me wrong, you know, validation feels good. There's like |
| 2:02.7 | a rush, a warmth, like a sense of being seen. But it's how much we rely on that feeling that |
| 2:10.2 | actually makes a difference. When we rely on others to tell us we're worthy, we basically hand over |
... |
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