#332: Why Couples Really Fight with Figs O’Sullivan

The Mark Groves Podcast

Mark Groves

Relationships, Society & Culture

4.9 • 5K Ratings

🗓️ 18 December 2023

⏱️ 73 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

In this episode, I have the pleasure of interviewing LMFT Figs O’Sullivan. In his practice, Figs focuses on three pillars for relationship work: Attachment Theory, Systems Theory, and Transformational Experiences. Figs teaches us that understanding that people's actions are driven by their own insecurities and fears is fundamental. Instead of fixating on the flaws of our partner/ex-partner, it's more beneficial to study one's own emotional responses and vulnerabilities and how to feel our feelings better. By becoming an expert on oneself and the system, one can be and attract a more emotionally evolved partner, and fight less! So many gems in this episode - dive in! Fiachra "Figs'' O'Sullivan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, certified in Emotionally-Focused Therapy, and the founder of Empathi. He strives to interact with his clients as fellow travelers on life’s journey, allowing them to easily dive deeper into their “stuff” with his down-to-earth philosophy. Figs has spent years working with frustrated couples at a crossroads in their relationship—they want to make things work but are stuck in what Figs calls their “Waltz of Pain”—which is what led him to create Empathi! Inspired by attachment theory, improvisational dance and theater, experiential psychotherapy, and EFT, Empathi provides fun, effective, and simple solutions to help couples stop fighting and snuggle more. —Website: https://empathi.com —Empathi Quiz for Couples: https://empathi.com/quiz/ —Empathi Courses: https://get.empathi.com/ —YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Empathinow —Media Page: https://empathi.com/figs-osullivan Themes: Relationships, Boundaries, Self-Worth, Self-Love, Codependency, Dating, Attachment Theory, Transformation, Conflict, Grief, Communication, Psychology 0:00:00 Intro 0:04:11 Who’s the problem in the relationship? 0:08:10 How communication can be threatening 0:11:30 Three Pillars for Relationship Work: Attachment Theory, Systems Theory, and Transformational Experiences 0:18:46 The reason people get together 0:28:21 Confronted with grief - now what? 0:28:55 Changing perspective 0:37:12 Importance of using attachment theory responsibly 0:40:14 Tips for a successful relationship 0:43:37 Counterintuitive concepts in self-development and attachment theory 0:48:12 The line between personal boundaries and relationship deal-breakers 0:54:21 Opening up about feelings and concerns 1:03:08 The Complexity of Attachment and Relationships 1:06:47 The Pain of Disappointing a Loved One 1:10:16 Helping People Feel Their Feelings Better 1:13:16 Becoming an Expert for Future Relationships This episode is sponsored by: —Open: Get 30 days free by visiting https://withopen.com/CREATETHELOVE —Organifi: Use code CREATETHELOVE for 20% off sitewide at http://www.organifi.com/createthelove Contact us at podcast@markgroves.com for sponsor product support, questions, comments, or just to say hello!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Transcript

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0:00.0	Right. So I love, it's going to sound terrible. I love when people call me and they're suffering, right? Because inside I'm going, yes, I can help these people. Right. We've got them now.
0:10.2	99% of the time, your relationship problems are not a me or a you issue, especially not a you issue, right? They're actually an us issue. It's a system that we're both creating together,
0:22.3	not because either of us are bad, but because both of us end up feeling really hurt and
0:27.1	threatened when we can't connect with each other. And both of us make things worse the way we
0:32.3	try and get back to connection. What are the strategies? They're not productive. So let's just say
0:37.3	80% of the time,
0:39.1	here's the most common dynamic.
0:44.5	Hello and welcome to another episode of the Mark Groves podcast. Today I have
0:48.2	Fiacra Figgs-O-Solvin, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist, who's certified in EFT,
0:55.2	emotionally focused therapy, and he is the founder of empathy, spelled with an eye at the end.
1:00.5	So welcome, Figgs.
1:02.0	Thank you, Mark, for having me on your show.
1:04.2	Honored to be here.
1:05.9	Oh, my gosh.
1:06.6	And that you come with an Irish accent is truly so good for my soul having grown up with an Irish
1:11.9	mother. So I feel like I always just resonate. It feels like home when I'm around people who
1:18.7	speak with an Irish accent. Well, that's good to know. As long as you're not going to feel you're
1:23.6	at risk of being scolded at any moment by an Irish mother. Right. I think I've hopefully
1:30.0	worked through that. But if I have her on the podcast, I might get reactive. Who knows about that?
1:34.5	Exactly. But man, yeah, the, I also find that there's a poetic nature to the intonation and
1:41.3	and pace of the Irish accent, which is really nice. Right. Yeah. Well, we cannot help. In general, it's a big generalization. Irish people love to tell stories.
1:51.5	Whether you want them to or not. Well, I like that because story is how we learn. And you really master a specific area. I know you really are very focused on couples, helping couples make it work,
	...

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