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Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

291. Hello, Stranger: Why Curiosity Beats Charisma Every Time

Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

Think Fast Talk Smart

Education, Career Growth, Career, Improv, Public Speaking, Influence, Career Skills, Communicating, Careers, Language Learning, Business, Communication, Leadership

4.7 • 802 Ratings

🗓️ 25 May 2026

⏱️ 30 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

What keeps us from being more social? Nick Epley calls it a “mind-reading mistake.”

We all think about what others think, particularly what they think about us. The problem, says Nick Epley, is that we’re almost always wrong.

Epley is a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business and author of A Little More Social: How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health, and Connection. What keeps people from engaging authentically, connecting deeply, and enjoying a meaningful social life? It comes down to an error of social cognition, “A mind-reading mistake,” Epley says. “If I don't think you want to talk to me, I won't try. And I'll never find out that I'm wrong about that.”

In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Epley and host Matt Abrahams explore why we hold ourselves back from meaningful conversation, and what happens when we don’t. From taking an interest in others to sharing more freely about ourselves, Epley shares strategies for being a little more social — and making your life considerably better as a result.

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Chapters:

  • (00:00) - Introduction
  • (01:31) - Problems with Body Language
  • (04:15) - Perspective Getting
  • (07:14) - Asking Better Questions
  • (08:41) - Moving Beyond Small Talk
  • (10:13) - Why We Hold Back
  • (11:33) - Advice For Introverts
  • (15:17) - A Little More Social
  • (18:34) - The Final Three Questions
  • (24:45) - Conclusion

Transcript

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0:00.0

One of the biggest barriers to interpersonal communication is our concern that people aren't

0:09.6

interested in what we have to say.

0:12.1

If we're just a little bit more social, we can dramatically change the impact of our communication.

0:18.7

My name is Matt Abraham's, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford

0:22.3

Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast. Talk Smart, the podcast. Today I look forward

0:32.8

to learning from Nick Epley. Nick is a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of

0:38.7

Business, where he also directs the Roman Family Center for Decision Research. Nick's research focuses

0:44.6

on how people make inferences about the minds of others and why we routinely misunderstand each

0:50.1

other. His first book is called Mind Wise, how we Understand What Others Think, Believe, Feel, and Want.

0:57.3

And his latest book is a little more social, how small choices create unexpected happiness,

1:02.7

health, and connection. Well, welcome, Nick. I am so excited to chat with you. You have the

1:08.5

distinction of being the person most cited by other guests

1:12.6

from Charles Duhigg to Katie Milkman to Lori Santos. And I am so glad to finally get a chance to talk to you.

1:19.6

Thanks for being here. Yeah, thank you. That is very flattering. And you should be flattered to know

1:23.5

that one of your recent guests, Sonia Lubramirski, also said, who she does a lot of podcasts, said this is one of the favorite that she'd done in a long, long while. Well, that's very kind of, Sonia. We've known each other a long time, and we had a great conversation. So shall we get started? Yes, absolutely. Okay. So in your book Mind Wise, you discuss how we are fundamentally overconfident in our ability to read other people's minds.

1:47.0

We often rely on what you call outside perspective, things like the way people use their bodies,

1:53.6

facial expressions, to really figure out what someone is thinking.

1:58.1

Why is this the wrong approach?

1:59.9

Why are we ineffective? And how can we get better using what you this the wrong approach? Why are we ineffective?

2:04.7

And how can we get better using what you call the inside perspective?

2:09.3

So the thing that really makes us stand out on the planet as a species, at least from a psychologist's perspective, is our ability to think about other people.

2:13.3

Much of our neural capacity here, this fat part of our brain up above our eyes is dedicated

...

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