The following contains strong language, violence, and nudity.

It is intended only for mature audiences.

Viewer discretion advised.

The following presentation is brought to you by the Realm Network.

I stand before you tonight as a very happily married man.

So I can recommend being married to you.

I cannot, however, recommend getting married.

I don't like big weddings.

And I'm sure there's a couple here in the audience tonight.

And if you are here, if you're engaged,

if you're planning a huge blowout wedding,

do not raise your hand, do not make a sound,

do not acknowledge me in any way.

Because there is something I need to tell you about this wedding

that your family will not tell you.

Your friends will not tell you.

Only I.

You're a strange little TV friend.

I find myself in this unique position

that I might be the only person you do know

that can tell you the straight up honest truth, which is this.

Nobody wants to go to your wedding.

...