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Greetings to you, sweet children.

I gotta address something right now and it's a little uncomfortable, but I gotta say it.

I'm being harassed by record labels and you guys need to lay off.

Every single major record label has been contacting me, offering me multi-million dollar deals in my assistant.

Doesn't have time to deal with your constant offers and gifts and the many things you've been sending us.

Thank you, but no, thank you.

I get it. I'm a talented musician.

And if I knew I was gonna get harassed by record labels, I would never have played this song when I opened for Paul Simon at the Hollywood Bowl.

I can play guitar chords.

That was a cover of Taylor Swift's I Can Play Guitar Chords, which is from her new album 9891, which is basically her just singing John Mayor's songs backwards.

The original John Mayor song goes more like, chords, guitar, play, can I?

Record labels, I really appreciate your enthusiasm, but right now I'm just doing private modular synth noise shows for my four dogs.

Piper, Palmer, Gatsby, and Fox.

I've learned to make any sound I wish on these beautiful machines.

I did not heed the admonishment of my music teacher who told me you will never be able to make the sound of a spaceship traveling at light speed,

ejecting a bubbling, plasmatic beast into a tuba being sucked into a black hole.

Here's my answer to you, Mr. Smith.

Hopefully you can download podcasts and help.

I present to you the sound of a plasmatic beast being shot out of a spaceship traveling at light speed into a tuba being sucked into a black hole.

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