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The Best of Car Talk

#2638: Melissa Strikes Back

The Best of Car Talk

NPR

Comedy, Automotive, Leisure

4.716.5K Ratings

🗓️ 12 May 2026

⏱️ 38 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Sherlock Holmes has Professor Moriarty. Superman has kryptonite. And Car Talk is cursed with… a little girl from Seattle who says mean stuff to us. That’s right: Melissa Peterson is back for another round in the ring with Click and Clack. The smart money is on that little twerp for this episode of the Best of Car Talk.

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Transcript

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0:00.0

Hello and welcome to Car Talk from National Public Radio with us Click and Clack to Tapit Brothers,

0:20.6

and we're broadcasting this week from campaign headquarters here at Car Talk from National Public Radio with us Click and Clack to Tapit Brothers, and we're

0:20.8

broadcasting this week from campaign headquarters here at Car Talk Plaza.

0:28.0

Wow.

0:28.5

This was just handed to me by our press secretary, Hugh Lion's Sack.

0:33.1

Okay, read me.

0:33.8

Just read the announcement.

0:35.1

This is the press release.

0:36.2

Just read it.

0:37.6

Yeah, this is from United Associated. We don't want any editorializing. Just read it, man, because this is it.

0:45.2

Tom and Ray, Maliazzi, aka Click and Clack to Tappert Brothers, have thrown their coveralls into the ring and announced their co-candidacy for President of the United States.

0:54.6

Running under the campaign slogan, Two zeros and zero, zero, that would be you and me.

1:00.0

Tom and Ray launched their campaign for the White House today in a sparsely attended ceremony

1:04.2

in Harvard Square.

1:05.4

We haven't had time to hire an advanced man yet, said Tom, so only me, my brother, and

1:10.0

Dougie showed up. But all three

1:11.8

were very supportive. Asked why they're running for the presidency in 2000, Ray referred to lots

1:17.7

of leftover bumper stickers from the failed 92 and 96 campaigns. Yeah, we certainly do have a lot

1:23.4

of those. The two zeros and zero zero platform calls for the universal three-day work week.

1:28.9

Americans want more weekend than week, says Ray. Read my lips, says Tom. No new work days.

1:35.6

The platform is also staunchly pro-environment, says Ray, we are unequivocally in favor of the

1:41.1

environment. Yeah, we go into greater detail on that. Oh that in one of our white papers. Yes. Very important. He goes on to say, the press release goes on to say, the brothers were reportedly unable to agree on which one should be president and which one should be vice president. After a high level, I called it for a summit, the brothers settled on a unique joint custody arrangement. Tommy will be president Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and Ray will get the Oval Office Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Negotiations are underway to have Garrison Keeler cover Sunday. As for their electoral strategy, the brothers say they're hoping to win the swing vote. Ed's Tom, we're also hoping to win the Chajav Vote, Tango vote, and if we get lucky, the limbo vote. I think we got the swing vote tied down. I think so. I mean, with our relationship to Benny Goodman. Yeah. I mean, what? How can we lose? We're going for the whole ballroom dance vote, I think. You got it. Citizens' wishing to join the two zeros in zero-zero campaign can visit the car talk section of cars.com where Tom and Ray's position papers will be posted every week until the election. Well, that's what they're called position, not white papers, position papers. Yeah. Yeah. I use those for my dog, too. So that's it. Two zeros and zero, zero, that pretty much says it all. Wow. Pretty good, huh? In the meantime,

...

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