The following contains strong language, violence, and nudity.

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I was on a plane the other day.

I was doing something we have all done loads of times before on the plane,

lifting up the blind for takeoff and landing.

For the first time ever, I decided I would ask the stewardess.

Why? I had to lift up the blind for take-off and landing.

It is a question that I regret asking.

Because this is the genuine reason. I said, madam, out of interest. why do I have to lift up the blind for takeoff and landing?

She looked at me. Do you know what she said?

She went, well, sir, if something were to go wrong with the engine, then you are the pilot's eyes.

I beg your pardon?

I'm not ready for that level of responsibility.

And no one told me that when I purchased the ticket.

I was very much led to believe I was travelling in the capacity of passenger, not bloody co-pilot.

Also, I think you may have picked the wrong guy.

Let's look at the evidence here.

I've had a sleeping pill, two glasses of red wine,

and I just cried whilst watching Inside Out.

I'm not your man.

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