193. Why Relationships Feel Hard Even When You Care: An Unfiltered Conversation with Relationship Expert Debra Fileta

The Best of You

Dr. Alison Cook

Health & Fitness, Mental Health

4.9 • 957 Ratings

🗓️ 29 January 2026

⏱️ 46 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Have you ever left a conversation thinking, That’s not what I meant — and still felt the distance linger? Do you ever wonder why relationships feel exhausting, confusing, or fragile… even when you genuinely try to do the right thing? Dr. Alison is joined by counselor and author Debra Fileta for a conversation that names a quiet tension many people live with but rarely articulate. Sometimes the hardest part of relationships isn’t a lack of love—it’s the gap between what we intend and what others experience. Together, you'll explore: Why do the same relational patterns keep repeating? Why does communication break down so quickly under stress? Why do good intentions sometimes land as hurt or distant? Why does love feel like it should be enough… but often isn’t? If you’ve ever thought, Why does this still feel so hard when I care so much? — this episode creates space to ask better questions, without pressure to already have the answers. 📖 Pre-order ⁠People Skills⁠ by Debra Fileta 📥 Grab your 3 free Soul Mending resources here If you liked this episode, then you’ll love the following: Episode 179: Building Wise Trust—How to Protect Your Heart Without Closing It Off Episode 86: Embracing Conflict—Why It's Essential & 4 Simple Ways to Tackle It 📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here 💬 Got a question? Call 307-429-2525 and leave a message for a future episode. Thanks to our Sponsors! Quince - Go to ⁠Quince.com/bestofyou⁠ for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order! *Some of the links above are Amazon affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	It's not a lack of love.
0:01.9	Yeah.
0:02.4	It's a lack of skill.
0:03.5	Yes.
0:04.0	Like this is a skill set that you've never learned.
0:07.1	Emotional connection, emotional intelligence, empathy, body language, listening skills.
0:14.6	Well, here's where we do learn.
0:16.3	We learn by default and we learn what's been modeled to us.
0:19.1	Yes.
0:19.7	And oftentimes, that's not very helpful or healthy.
0:23.3	And so they want to love their spouse.
0:25.6	They want to love other people, but the love that they have gets convoluted instead of conveyed.
0:45.5	Hey, everyone. Hey everyone and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You. I'm Dr. Allison, and today's episode is for anyone who has ever thought, I love God. I genuinely love people.
0:50.8	I have good intentions. So why do my relationships still feel so hard?
0:55.6	Or maybe you felt the gap between what you mean to say and how it actually lands. Because what my
1:01.9	guest today names so clearly is this. Sometimes it's not a lack of love that hinders our
1:08.5	relationships. It's a lack of skill. And I want to anchor that idea in a
1:12.9	short passage of scripture that's deceptively simple, but incredibly practical for everyday
1:18.5	relationships. James 1 19 through 20 says everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak,
1:25.4	and slow to become angry, Because human anger doesn't produce the
1:29.4	righteousness that God desires. And I love how grounded this is. Not try harder to be a better
1:36.7	person, not just have more faith, right? Just be more spiritual. But it's a set of skills we can
	...

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