113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)

Apocrypals

Chris Sims

Comedy, History

4.9 • 650 Ratings

🗓️ 5 September 2024

⏱️ 111 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Grab your turtledoves and get to stranglin', Theophiloi, because we're taking another trip to the Seventh Firmament, and this time we're bringing good ol' Father Abraham in the years before he had his many sons. We've got divine vengeance, the fires of Hell, Benito almost swearing on the mic, and a truly wild amount of DragonBall discussion, even for us as we tackle a major piece of apocrypha. Plus: Chris accidentally invents gnosticism!

Topics of discussion: A censer fulla Faygo, the Gallagher Bros., the Gallagher Bros., Book, The Alliance To End Maklelanmania, FHO, a surprising amount of poetry, an opinion on narrative that I simply do not understand???, Merimath the Stone of Deceit, gods of metal, idolators: cool and chill?, graven images of Super Saiyan Goku, the Ultimate Power, the Biz, Namor the Sub-Mariner, big Jernathan energy, Maharba, the Author of All Lies, the Angel Factory, the (eternal and unceasing) song of the summer, "feet," wings in low places, an off-model but suspiciously familiar serpent.

Hymnal: "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" by Elton John, "Dancing Queen" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)

This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)

Transcript

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0:00.0	And I will give those who have covered me with mockery to the scorn of the coming age.
0:05.5	And I have prepared them to be food for the fire of Hades, and for ceaseless flight to and fro through the air and the underworld beneath the earth, the body filled with worms, for on them they shall see the righteousness of the creator.
0:18.9	The Apocalypse of Abraham, chapter 31, verses 8 through 12.
0:36.0	It's getting late, I had to see my mates legs, I tell me when the boy's gay.
0:42.4	It's seven o'clock and I want to rock, want to get a belly full off beer.
0:48.8	My own has a drunk up and a battle.
0:50.8	Hello, friends and neighbors, and welcome to Apocer Pals.
0:53.7	It's the podcast where two nonbelievers read through the Bible, but we try not to be jerks about it.
0:57.9	My name is Chris Sims.
0:59.6	With me, as always, Benito Serino.
1:01.6	Benito, happy birthday.
1:03.7	Hey, thank you.
1:04.9	Thanks, but happy birthday also to you, but we did it.
1:07.9	We did it your birthday.
1:09.0	We did mine already.
1:10.8	But still.
1:11.3	Approximately one week apart.
1:13.3	Yeah. And mine.
1:15.2	You had yours second. Yeah. I had mine second. Yeah. And so it has, it happened since our
1:21.6	previous episode, but it's been, I don't know, like two, two weeks maybe since my birthday.
1:31.2	But yeah, thank you. of course did you have a did you have a nice one i mean yeah pretty like pretty good right so like it was
1:37.8	pretty chill sounds like a no no no no so like i'm my birthday, my birthday routine is generally pretty chill. I think I mentioned last time, I, I eat Indian food because that is, it's the one day of the year I can force my wife to go eat Indian food. I get the jungle kebab and I get it spicy enough to make the entire restaurant choke and sneeze in that because it comes
	...

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