“Your best self is the same as your worst self” (w/ Heather Havrilesky)
How to Be a Better Human
TED
4.2 • 1.3K Ratings
🗓️ 9 June 2025
⏱️ 46 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Heather Havrilesky is the author of the book Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage. She’s also the writer behind the advice columns “Ask Polly,” and “Ask Molly,” which is written by Polly’s mischievous alterego. In this episode, Heather and Chris navigate how to showcase your whole self – even if it means embracing the messy parts – and how leaning into contradictions can make you happier and healthier. They also discuss how most people’s twenties are a disaster, how to write in a way that feels true, and why it’s necessary to laugh at your own ridiculousness.
Follow
Host: Chris Duffy (Instagram: @chrisiduffy | chrisduffycomedy.com)
Guest: Heather Havrilesky (Instagram: @heatherhav)
Links
Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Hi, TED Podcast listeners. It's Elise Hugh here from TED Talks Daily. Thanks for making our |
| 0:05.6 | podcasts part of your routine. We really appreciate it and we want to make your favorite TED podcasts |
| 0:10.8 | even better. We put together a quick survey and we'd love to hear from you. It only takes a few |
| 0:16.9 | minutes but it helps us shape our shows and get to know you, our listeners, way better. |
| 0:22.2 | Head to the episode description to find the link. Thank you again for listening and for taking |
| 0:27.1 | the time to help our shows. You're listening to How to Be a Better Human. I am your host, |
| 0:34.9 | Chris Duffy. What would it mean if you were totally honest |
| 0:37.6 | with yourself and other people about who you are and what it is that you want? Well, for one thing, |
| 0:43.2 | I feel certain that it would mean for me, and for probably you too, that we would be contradictory |
| 0:48.5 | and messy and complex and we wouldn't always make sense. But that messiness and that complexity, |
| 0:54.8 | that's exactly what today's guest, Heather Havrilleski, is all about. She's one of my favorite |
| 0:59.6 | writers. She is hilarious and sharp and so often beautifully eloquent about what it means to be human. |
| 1:06.8 | Whether Heather is writing a memoir about her marriage called Foreverland or writing one of her two |
| 1:11.9 | advice columns, Ask Polly or Ask Molly, she is always pushing for people to be more, more themselves, |
| 1:17.9 | more honest, more fearless, more messy sometimes. So today on the show, we're going to talk about |
| 1:23.1 | a big, huge question that every single one of us has to navigate every single day of our lives. |
| 1:28.9 | How do you be you? To get started, here's a clip where Heather is talking about the kinds of letters |
| 1:34.5 | she gets from people asking for advice. I really love answering letters from people who are in |
| 1:40.7 | their 20s, early 30s, partially because it's such a terrible time, honestly. |
| 1:47.2 | Even though you come out of college, you know, high school or come out of your youth, |
| 1:52.4 | having had a lot of structure, a lot of very rigorous expectations of your behavior theoretically |
| 1:58.8 | in many cases, when you enter into your 20s and it's up to you, |
... |
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