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Modern Love

You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries All Wrong

Modern Love

The New York Times

Nytimes, Redemption, Society & Culture, New York Times, Love, Essay, Storytelling, Loss, Nyt

4.48.7K Ratings

🗓️ 23 April 2025

⏱️ 40 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

KC Davis is a therapist and author known for her practical, empathetic advice on dealing with clutter, even when you are feeling like too much of a mess yourself to take care of the mess in your home. Her TikTok videos on the subject have been viewed millions of times. But lately, Davis has been talking and writing about our relationships not just to the objects in our lives, but to the people, too. In her new book, “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship,” Davis tries to disentangle the popular understanding of boundaries, saying the concept is widely misunderstood. She offers a guide to forming and keeping boundaries that help readers better navigate their conflicts with other people. On this episode of “Modern Love," Davis tells us what she thinks we get wrong about boundaries and how we should be thinking about them instead. She reads the Modern Love essay “Is My Husband a Doormat?” about a sudden argument between a couple 20 years into their relationship and talks about how boundaries can help defuse such situations. Davis also tells us how boundaries helped heal her own relationship with her father. The author of today’s featured essay, Lidija Hilje, has a new novel coming out in July called “Slanting Towards the Sea.“ For an upcoming episode about location sharing, the Modern Love team wants to hear your location-sharing story. Did something happen that made you regret sharing your location with someone? Was there a moment when you were thankful that you had? Where were you? What happened? How did your relationship change as a result? The deadline is May 1. Submission instructions are here. Here’s how to submit a Modern Love essay to The New York Times Here’s how to submit a Tiny Love Story

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

Hey everyone, it's Anna. The Modern Love podcast team is working on an episode about location sharing

0:06.7

and how we decide whether to let a partner, friend, or family member track our whereabouts.

0:13.4

On the one hand, using your phone to share your location might help we stay connected and build trust.

0:18.7

But it can also test the boundaries of your relationship in

0:21.7

uncomfortable ways. Tell us your location sharing story. Was there a moment you really regretted

0:28.2

sharing your location with someone, or a moment you were very glad you did? Where were you? What

0:33.8

happened? How did your relationship change as a result?

0:45.7

Record your answer as a voice memo and email it to Modern Love Podcast at n.Ytimes.com, and we may end up featuring it on the show.

0:56.1

One more time, tell us how location sharing has affected a relationship in your life and send it as a voice memo to Modern Love Podcast at nytimes.com.

0:58.0

We're so excited to hear from you.

1:00.3

All right, on with the show.

1:03.6

Love now and love. Love was stronger than anything.

1:07.6

And I love you more than anything.

1:10.8

What a love? There's to love, love. And I love you more than anything.

1:12.4

There's to love.

1:13.0

Love.

1:18.6

I will take you along with me while I do my Sunday reset.

1:20.7

From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.

1:22.3

This is Modern Love.

1:27.1

Sunday reset is something that I do to make my house ready and prepared for the next week.

1:28.7

Today, I'm talking to the therapist and author, Casey Davis. I always start by getting out my giant trash can, my big

1:34.0

laundry basket, a little basket for items, and some cleaning... Casey is probably best known for her

...

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