What is up everybody? How are you doing? Welcome to relationship theory live. But on time! We are on time. We were literally just sitting here waiting going, what do we do? Don't stop! But this is literally the only show that's always like a mad scramble at the end. Yeah. Like everything else is, you know, on time, it's timely. So, very... Well thank you for joining us guys. This subject is really interesting. Do you know what we're talking about? I do only because you just said it otherwise.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Okay, super. So, very interesting. Well, thank you for joining us guys. This subject is really interesting. Do you know what we're talking about?

I do only because you just said it.

Otherwise, I don't know.

I just fail my IG story.

Yeah.

Okay, super exciting, because I get asked questions a lot about this. Really? Yeah. Interesting. You don't think I would? I didn't know that you frequently got asked now. I know what something you and I talk about, but I didn't know that you frequently got asked about.

So, drop in the comments, guys, if you have any questions based on this subject or really any

subject.

Mexico City.

What is that? I talk about but I didn't know that you frequently got asked about. So, drop in the comments guys if you have any questions based on this subject or really

any subject.

Mexico City. What does that make you feel free? Yeah, drop it in the comments and we'll be answering live. We will indeed. We're going to get straight to it now wasting the time. Alright, let's do it. Alright, kick off question. This is from Courtney Lawson. Hey guys, two pot question here. When it comes to the alpha and beta roles in a relationship,

can you talk about the defining or core characteristics of these personality types? Should I read the second one? Oh no, let's see. Well, read the whole thing and then... And second part of it, are these relationship roles innate or can they be worked on or somehow controlled or modified? Can an alpha work on developing traits that are traditionally beta? Can a beta work on developing traits that are traditionally alpha? Love this question. So let's go to part one first. I'm going to repeat it when it comes to the alpha and beta roles in a relationship. Can you talk about the defining or core characteristics of these personality types? Yeah. So I'm going to I'm going to weigh over simplify this. And so I don't want anybody out there to panic. I'm trying to make this accessible and something that people can use in their relationship. So you've got the decision maker is traditionally the alpha and then you have the executor, traditionally the beta. So it isn't that either role is better. It is simply that they are roles. Now, where people run into trouble is they think that alpha means dictator, which it absolutely does not. And I will say that the ultimate alpha, the most interesting alpha, the alpha that I long to be like, is Nelson Mandela. And Nelson Mandela learned which- I think it's going to be to say him. Do you know why I go last in team meetings? because of Nelson Mandela. And Nelson Mandela learned which, I think it's best you to say him. Do you know why I go last in team meetings? Why? Because then Nelson Mandela. So Nelson Mandela said, read the book, long walk to freedom. It is one of the greatest books I've ever read in my life. So here you have this guy, Nelson Mandela, who learned from his father, who was the tribal chief that a good leader listens first and listens first and then speaks. And really hearing everybody's concern really making sure that people feel their equality. And I'm reading a book right now called Endurance which is about a guy named Lord Shackleton who tried to be the first person to cross the Antarctic from east to west. And it's the whole story about how they fail, but it's extraordinary. And even after this insanely arduous journey where these are examples of two alphas, by the way, that I admire beyond all reason and measure. And both of them felt that it was insanely important to make sure that everybody saw you as an equal and Lord Shackleton used to drive him nuts because people would give him more, they would sneak him more food because their rations were so tight and they would like the cook would like secretly add more to his and when he found out he would go fucking nuts. He was like, it is so important for morale, for people to understand that I am their equal. So that's something that's so critical to understand that being an alpha does not mean that you're the boss. All right, being the alpha simply means, hey, we've looked at everybody's skill set. You're a good listener. You have leadership qualities, meaning you're going to be out front, you're going to lead from the front, and you have the ability to make the highest quality decision. Oftentimes though, making that decision is about getting the information from everybody else. So, in our relationship, we are two equals who come to the table and we say, hey, both of our ideas need to be heard. If however we find ourselves at loggerheads neither of us can convince the other, then at the end of the day, because you always do it in a respectful manner, because you always listen and take my ideas into account, because whenever humanly possible, we compromise. If we're just at an impasse, you will be the one that makes a decision. So, and we've done that because, like, vision, future, vision, creating that, and knowing, like, how to play the long game. That's just where I excel naturally, and it's where I put a lot of my time and energy to get good at that. Okay, so that's me, and that's, we'll call the traditional alpha role. What changed our minds about what a beta is, watching a documentary on wolves. And I had always had like this uneasy feeling about beta and that in my mind like a beta was somehow worse and like who would ever want to be the beta. I don't think so. That's the problem. 100%. And so I used to always tell people, hey do yourself a favor and marry a woman who has a very strong alpha father who is a really hard worker. Because I was thinking that's the kind of person that is going to be comfortable in that role because I was like, oh, like beta is so like this negative connotation. So that's how we come into this documentary. I never would have called her beta, not because I didn't think it, but because it seemed offensive. And then we watched this documentary and I realized the beta is stronger, the beta is the one that protects the alpha, the beta is the one that is the enforcer. And seeing like, I literally went back on the documentary. So it was a human, an actual guy goes and lives with these wolves, raises them from the time that their puppies teaches them how to howl feeds them everything, and then goes in and is with these wolves, and he is the alpha. But then the interesting part was he goes away, I don't remember why, but he ends up having to leave for too long, and when he comes back, there's a new alpha in the group. And so then you got to see the dynamic of the, how he had to come in as a human, lay on his back, let the alpha show dominance, and then when they went to feed, you got to see the beta in action. And the beta was like the most badass looking of all the wolves, first of all, just look like a stud. And... bigger than the alpha. Bigger than the significantly bigger than the alpha. Back to everyone else off.

Let the alpha. Bigger than the significantly bigger than the alpha. Backed everyone else off, let the alpha have in this particular moment, let the alpha have the liver, which is like the most nutrient dense, so the alpha always gets the liver, the beta backed everyone else off. And I thought that's, like, it was so powerful. And some part of me was like, I want to be the beta, like I want to be the badass in the group. And then I thought that's like it was so powerful and some part of me was like I want to be the beta like I want to be the badass in the group and then I thought okay this that's when I really realize it's not that one role is better it's just that they're roles so you've got the alpha he needs to be the decision maker he needs to be the one that's prepared to be out front but the alpha is weaker without the beta like significantly weaker and I thought that is, that is so true in my marriage. And so all of a sudden I realized, I've been able to do what I've been able to do because you facilitate, because you go, okay, cool, I recognize that from a desire standpoint and a natural ability standpoint, you want to be a decision maker, you wanna map out the future and you wanna step out front and lead. And then from a natural ability standpoint and where I feel most comfortable, I want to take that idea and say, uniquely, I'm able to execute this in a way that you would not certainly by yourself. And then when it comes to like really mapping out the how we execute, I know that you have better ideas and that listening to you in that moment and respecting the credibility that you've earned there makes all the sense of the world. So we just began to really think about the power of them as equally powerful roles and that understanding that dynamic and understanding who's got credibility where that we could end up doing more. So I'll call that the natural, not the natural, the typical definition. And yes, it's an oversimplification, but it gives you an idea. Yeah. Love that. All right. So to then go on to the second part of this question, are these relationship roles innate or can they be worked on or somehow controlled or modified? Can an alpha work on developing traits, the traditionally beta or can a beta work on developing traits or traditionally alpha? So by nature, I'm beta. So and I don't know if that's because that's how I was raised and my own dad isn't like an aggressive alpha. And so I just didn't see a role model for that. So I very much slipped into the sort of funny friend role. And I didn't have like I wasn wasn't trying to lead anything, and certainly wouldn't have excelled at that time if I had tried to. And so for sure. And then as I got older, I started to want that. I wanted to step forward. I wanted to take myself more seriously. I wanted to develop myself. And so I started surrounding myself with ideology about being willing to lead from the front, stepping out front, reading about people like Alexander the Great who were great warriors, not just because they were strategically genius, but because they actually had a spear in their hand and they were at the front line and the respect that that gave the people in their army. And I just started thinking about, not just him, but a lot of people that were like that the whole notion of leading from the front and that was something that I valued in myself being willing to step forward and do that. And so that's so interesting. I don't know why I never dawned on me but just as you were speaking I was like before we met I was traditionally alpha. I was like no guys gonna tell me what to do. I am my own woman. I'm independent and if I get in a relationship where a guy starts telling me what to do, like you're a me aggressive.

Like I was aggressive, yeah I think because I had come out of a relationship where I felt like I had been emotionally abused I think that's a bit of a strong word but he wasn't nice to me. And so once I left that relationship I was like right I'm never doing it again and again. And that's part of my personality, kind of drew a line in the sand.

I was like, I'm gonna make sure this never happens again. So my walls go up, I'm independent. No guys gonna tell me what to do. And then I started realizing as I was dating, when I would date guys that were somewhat submissive, more of the beta, like actually was like, I don't, me personally, I actually don't find this attractive.

I kind of want a guy to take the lead.

And then going back to like, my father, my dad was an absolute alpha. And I always had a lot of respect for him, admired him. And so he gave me, almost, he was like my compass. He gave me that safety. And I remember thinking like, I actually don't enjoy being with someone

who isn't at least at my equal.

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