Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about scheduling a fight with your partner.

Whoa, what? Yep, you heard us right. And here's the reason. Maybe you've had some issues come up this week that are causing you to feel difficult emotions towards your partner. Like maybe you made dinner almost every night. And your partner never offered, not even once, to help or clean up afterwards. And you've been seething about it. Or maybe the credit card bill

arrived, and your partner discovered that you blew most of the household budget on a new

overpriced downcomforter, and they're feeling frustrated and angry. And you've both been

holding those emotions and thoughts inside, ruminating about them, and watching them pop up at inappropriate moments,

at the slightest provocation, even when there's no reason for it. What to do? Schedule a regular

conflict meeting. And actually, we have a name for it, the State of the Union meeting.

But you can call it anything you like, maybe the constructive conflict hour,

or our weekly kitchen check-in. Whatever you name it, the point is to set a regularly scheduled

time to talk about how the relationship is going in general, plus issues that have been

bugging each of you, so those feelings don't simmer and fester and

explode into something larger. It's a time to really discuss what's going on in your head and your

heart and then problem solved together. So how do you approach the check-in? First, warm up. Set

a loving tone. Talk positively with your partner at the beginning of the conversation.

Express your appreciation for each other. Talk about the things that are going well in your

relationship and things you love about each other. This will remind you both that you're

fighting for each other, not against each other. Secondly, focus on understanding each other's perspectives.

Take turns as speaker and listener. This is so important because you need to identify the problem

and understand each other's point of view before you can even begin to think about solving it.

A word of wisdom, don't try to persuade your partner to feel differently.

Allow them to express themselves fully and feel understood. And then, compromise. Work on solving

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