Why you need to learn how to fight in a relationship (w/ Dr. Julie and John Gottman)

How to Be a Better Human

TED

Self-improvement, Personal Growth, Better Human, Chris Duffy, Interviews, Emotional Awareness, Self-help, Education

4.2 • 1.3K Ratings

🗓️ 10 November 2025

⏱️ 36 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

“All couples fight. In fact, how they fight in the first three minutes predicts with 96% accuracy not only how the rest of the conversation will go, but how the rest of the relationship will go six years down the road,” says relationship expert Dr. Julie Gottman. Dr. Julie and John Gottman are founders of the Gottman Institute and the Love Lab where they study how to sustain love and health in relationships. They join Chris to discuss why more people now than ever are deciding to go solo, what a healthy end to a conflict looks like, and the 52 questions you should ask your partner before getting married.

This episode is part of a series of bonus videos from "How to Be a Better Human." You can watch the extended video companion on the TED YouTube Channel and the extended interview on the TED Audio Collective YouTube Channel.

Watch

Julie and John answer listeners' questions: https://youtu.be/nJ4RtT0T_BA

Extended interview with Chris: https://youtu.be/CxW0JRAw8bk

Follow

Host: Chris Duffy (Instagram: @chrisiduffy | https://chrisduffycomedy.com/)

Guest: Dr. Julie and John Gottman

Links

Humor Me by Chris Duffy (https://t.ted.com/ZGuYfcL)

https://www.gottman.com/

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Transcript

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0:00.0	You're listening to How to Be a Better Human.
0:05.1	I'm your host, Chris Duffy.
0:06.9	When it comes to how to have a healthy marriage or relationship, today's guests literally
0:11.8	wrote the book, or actually several books.
0:14.4	I have read many of them myself, and it has sincerely made a big impact in my marriage.
0:20.7	For over 50 years, doctors John and Julie Gottman
0:23.7	have devoted their life to the research and practice of fostering healthy, long-lasting
0:29.1	relationships. What does that take? How do we handle everything from jealousy and resentment to
0:34.2	loading the dishwasher or picking what we're going to eat for dinner.
0:41.4	I traveled to Portland, Oregon to interview the Gottmans on their home turf.
0:46.2	And in addition to this podcast episode, we've also got a complimentary episode of our video series that is up on Ted's YouTube channel where you can see John and Julie work through
0:50.7	tough listener submitted relationship questions in real time.
0:54.5	And also you can see how just adorable and loving they are with each other.
0:58.9	Check that out after you listen to this.
1:00.8	But for now, let's start this conversation about relationships with a clip from the Gottman's
1:05.9	TED Talk.
1:06.9	In this talk, they are explaining what the research shows on how to navigate the inevitable conflicts that are going to arise in any relationship.
1:15.6	So most of us think that fighting is bad for romantic relationships, right?
1:22.2	How many people do you know who say, hey, I had a great fight the other day. Oh, yeah, my partner and I fight all
1:31.3	the time and we're super happy. Fifty-two years ago, we put love under the microscope.
1:40.2	Julie and I are the founders of the Gottman Institute and the Love Lab.
1:45.0	And we've made this study of relationships our life's work.
	...

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