And it compromises where everybody comes to the table and everybody gets up winning or getting something that they wanted but no one person is a hundred percent happy Because if I win and you lose then our relationship loses Where I want to start is I heard you say something super freaking powerful Which was there's a massive difference between chemistry and compatibility And like I had mentioned in my intro, chemistry sometimes it just happened. You don't have to work at it. Sometimes it's just sparks flying and you can't help it. And there's like such fire between you. And that is nature's way of making sure that we procreate, right? So that's it. That is exactly it. And so it's all chemical. You're not in control of that. That's why sometimes if you've ever walked into a room and you've been like, oh my gosh, our eyes locked and I was just on fire and everything about them is amazing. And sometimes you don't even want to let them go when you realize they're not the right person for you out of the bedroom and you go, everything else is wrong with this relationship. But my gosh, when we're together, the fire is just incredible. That is chemistry, my dear. Right. But that doesn't last, right? Nature makes sure that you procreate and you basically move on. So I've been married now for 18 years. I just had my 18 year wedding anniversary and it has been very difficult, hard work, but the most beautiful work I could ever possibly do in my life. But the reason why we have been able to sustain 18 years is because every step of the way we have been in communication about what works for him, what works for me and our compatibility as we change and grow. Like one thing I was very aware of and I would love to dive so deep with you girl is to talk about addressing issues as they come up, how to make sure that you are compatible and not just staying with someone because you're holding on to an old fiction of what you thought you were or were going to be. And then making sure that that you're addressing that so you don't hold on to resentment and grudges because those are the things that I think will eventually be the downfall to people's relationships and it becomes a point where it's been splintered for too long. So talk to me about the process from chemistry to then finding out if you're compatible. And then we can go down to how we can make sure that we don't then become resentful and grudged for down the road. I love this. We are talking about everything that I want to talk about. So this is so exciting. Okay, and it's important too. And the reason for that is because oftentimes people are afraid as chemistry changes, they're afraid and they mistake the chemistry changing for them falling out of love. Okay? So what happens is when we first have initial chemistry, we call it NRE, which stands for new relationship energy. When we have new relationship energy with somebody that we first start dating, it's everything is incredible, everything is amazing and intense. And our bodies literally respond to that chemistry. We have more dopamine flowing in our bodies, more adrenaline flowing. It's literally a chemical process that allows us to feel what feels like love but it actually is lust, right? So just like you said, it's the thing that really makes our heart beat faster, it makes our palm sweaty, it makes our pupils dilate, the thing that gives us butterflies in our stomach when we're talking about or see the person. And so that actually lasts roughly for about 18 to 24 months. And just as you said for the exact reason it's all about procreating. That's why early in our relationships,

we find that we are having sex like rabbits,

and all we wanna do is really just be with them

and experience them in any and every way possible.

Well, it's your body's way of tricking you

into actually getting pregnant, right?

But because after we get pregnant,

we can't keep focusing on one another,

like we actually have to focus on the offspring that we've actually created. The brain goes through another chemical process around 18 to 24 months. And so now, instead of us having all that new relationship energy, now we've got bonding hormones present. So all the oxytocin, all the good feelings that make us feel more like we're great friends Something almost like how you would feel for a sibling or your best girlfriend or your best guy friend And all of a sudden if we're not careful and we don't know what that is we go This relationship is lost its fire. It doesn't really have the same flair and some people will mistakenly go off to start other relationships and search of that new relationship energy and other people will say, oh, okay, well, I guess this is what relationships are. So now I'm going to accept kind of this humdrum mellow kind of thing instead of looking to revive my relationship over and over again. So we have to talk about that new relationship energy because when we're in that space also, our brains are so love drunk, literally, that we're not sure whether or not we're compatible with somebody.

We actually may mistake that chemistry for compatibility.

But compatibility is actually very different.

And compatibility is about how do we line up in the areas of our lives

in such a way that if you never changed and I never changed we would still fit like a glove and we would both be happy and have our needs met in this relationship for the rest of our lives. So how do you then start to work on that compatibility for a long term relationship? Because there's going to be many elements, I call it like dust settling. So let's say you're not compatible, you butt heads on something. It's like, okay, well, you still have a bit of the flutter, so you don't really address it. And so the dust kind of settles. And then it goes by and you still don't really say anything. And that thing that you kind of thought was annoying, but you still love them for it. Now it's just freaking annoying.

Right. kind of settles and then he goes, you still don't really say anything and that thing that you kind of thought was

annoying but you still love them for it now is just freaking annoying. Right. And it starts to build up and just like the settling it becomes so big it's you can't clean anymore. Yeah, they're deal breakers and it's so funny you know I just found this meme the other day that I shared with my husband and I said this is how relationships work. And it said, you know, early in the relationship when your first line

together in bed at night, all you want to do is put your head on their chest and listen to their heartbeat and that is the rhythm that rocks you to sleep. And then somewhere years later you go, you know, I'm going to record you at night so you can hear how loud you're snoring because I want to kill you and I want you to know it too, right? And that's the thing. It's like that didn't happen overnight, right? It's not like you woke up one day and went, oh, yesterday I loved it. And now he just freaking annoys me. So where's the gap? Because that's I think something that we people don't talk about enough, about how to avoid those little things that end up becoming like the biggest freaking splinter when you're related. Yeah. And I say you have to learn these things so that you can avoid what I call a starter marriage, which is you marry for the wrong reasons, all the sudden somewhere down the road years later, you find that this is not the relationship for you. And unfortunately, in order for both of you to be happy, you wind up having to leave and be with other people and take what you learned with you. So these are the tools and the lessons that we really need to learn in order to avoid the starter marriage. Okay? And so what I like to tell people is when you are dating, that is the perfect time to really go slow and take stock. And you have to see dating much like you see interviewing for a job. So if you've ever been a supervisor or a manager, I want you to think about dating in the very same way because you are hiring for the most important position on earth and that position is for your life mate. And that's how we have to see dating. We have to look at the individuals that we are dating as potential candidates to fill this position instead of dating thinking that this person is supposed to be our life mate. So unfortunately, we give boyfriends or girlfriends the husband or wife experience when we don't even know if we should be hiring them for that position. Okay. So it's got to be like a test drive. So when we're first interviewing people, they're like candidates and you can tell me about yourself, tell me where you're from and you're thinking about them within context of your employment, right? In terms of the organization that you're thinking about having them come on board. You might like them and interview them a second time or a third time. You may have them meet other employees of the company in social settings over dinner or in the board room during meetings. Dating should be very similar to that because what you're wanting to learn is who this person is, you're wanting to get past the representative, right? Because their representative is not who they are. Their representative is who they think you want them to be. So that's very important because they're filtering you and trying to adjust why you're filtering them. So we've got all this early filtering going on and we need to see them in different environments and then compare do they actually appear to be who they say that they are over time right because people will tell you one thing but their behavior can tell you something completely different. It takes time in order to see that and the hard part is unfortunately not only do we often jump in bed too quickly and the reason why the jumping in bed jump in in because the moment that we all of those hormones flood our system and it clouds our judgment again we go back to being love drunk I literally am intoxicated the moment that I have sex with you and I am not going to see you the same. So it's like going to bed at two with a 10

and then waking up at 10 with a two. What do you mean by that? They're not great. I mean, so if I'm partying, I'm having a great time. By the time I go to the club and it's 2 a.m., the person that I'm leaving with in my drunken state, in my high state and my party state, they are a 10. It's two in the morning.

I'm feeling great.

Everything is wonderful.

I am going home with a 10.

Okay?

Then a 10. It's two in the morning, I'm feeling great. Everything is wonderful. I am going home with a 10, okay? Then a 10 in the morning, after all of those intoxicants have come out of my bloodstream and I'm sober and I roll over and I wake up with you and all of your makeup is on the pillowcase or all of my favorite man is on the pillowcase and we've taken off all of the lashes and the nails and I get to see you all of a sudden I'm like whoa who are you? You're a two you are not a ten you are a two you are not somebody that I would have actually dated so we need to be able to see that person with a clear eye and sex complicates that because it literally clouds our brain it gives us a a brain fog. So the longer that we can hold out on the sex, the more objective we can be about who the person is. That's important. The other part of this is we have to know that over time, time is what allows us to see a person in different situations. We can talk about theoretically, whether or not we think we line up in a particular way, but having actual experiences where we're challenged to see who we are is totally different, which is why to go back to the starter marriage. I often tell folks, if you really want to know who somebody is, divorce them, right, or break up with them. Many people learn way more about a person at the end of a relationship than they did in the entire relationship. So it is not about time that heals all wounds or creates something different, but what you do with that time. So therefore, it is also important in terms of compatibility, how we date a person. If every time we date, we just go out to dinner in a movie, we're not having any conversation. How do I know about you? How do I know about how you handle challenges? How do I know how you handle being caught off guard? How do I know how you handle social settings? How do I know how you treat other people? If we only date in places and spaces that never really show me who you are, but now when we're together, I'm not dating you to just have fun nights. I'm dating you in places and spaces that require the full range of you to show up. If we don't ever exercise that point of who we are until we're already married or until we've already moved in together or we've already created children or other kind of lifetime commitments that find us stuck together, we've created a whole set of problems for ourselves that now we may be resentful of. Now we may be frustrated with. Now we may become annoyed because I'm stuck with you in a different way

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