Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. I'm your co-host Tom Delieu and I'm here with my lovely wife, Lisa, who I got to spend basically the last 10 days with. Happy New Year! Happy New Year, indeed! 2019 baby! Yeah buddy, one day that's going to sound ridiculously outdated. But right now it sounds futuristic. Yeah, happy New Year to everyone, listening and hope that they've got a great incredible plan for 2019. And we have a review of the week that you're all going to meet this time. Alright, here we go. I've been enlisted to read this. Alright, the first one is from G Dimes. What it looks like. I love impact theory, but by far the most helpful and applicable to my life are the relationship theory podcasts. It's so insightful to hear how two successful people work to create a healthy partnership and share tips on how it can integrate pieces into my own life. This has been such a game changer in my relationship and one of my favorite things to do each week is to listen to relationship theory with my partner and discuss areas of our relationship that we can improve on. Tom and Lisa are so relatable and we often laugh about how similar we are to them. We need more people talking about how to sustain healthy relationships and this is such a good listen. Definitely recommended to couples looking to reflect and dive deeper into the ins and outs of their relationship. That's a good one. Nice. Like that. Thank you for that. Thank you. And in case you guys don't know, we are now reading out weekly reviews. That is definitely one place that we're really, really gunning for is more reviews, more confidence. Yeah, it helps us get in front of more people. So if you want to talk about climbing up the rankings, and we have a 2019 goal, I want to get the podcast into the top 100 podcasts on all of iTunes, that would be amazing.

And the way that we're going to do that is by getting in front of more people. So it would be super helpful. So if we've added value, that would be an amazing. Yeah, rate and review, rate and review. And another thing for a relationship through for 2019 is we are thinking about possibly bringing it back to YouTube. So I'm not sure how we find out from people if they want it on YouTube or not, but that is something that we're planning to do coming up. We haven't really

set anything yet, but stay tuned. Yes Without further ado. Yeah, there's on to the first question. All right. This is from Dylan with we weed So I'm wondering how I can encourage my significant other to begin with self-development I know how much it is impacted my my life but she is seemingly fully content with being average. Well I want everything life has to offer. I'm extremely happy with her but I just love to be able to grow ourselves together. What can I do? It's so fascinating that this is one of those questions that we get a lot. Is how do I help someone in my life grow because yeah what why did you start oh I was just gonna say because you know for us it really has we've had to navigate in sometimes where I'm if I've been struggling like you're trying to help me get through it but ultimately like it has to be done by that person so how So how do you make someone feel supported and at the same time encourage them to get better or do better? Yeah. So this question haunts my dreams because there are people that I love very much that I have just been unable to get them to want it. And so over the years I've been beaten down and realized that without dedicating my entire life to that person, I just can't want it for people. And I only put the caveat without dedicating my life because I need to believe that if I dedicated my entire life to it, that I could pull it off, but that would clearly be a waste of my energies. And so I devoted myself to the people, putting it out there for the people that want it can come in partake. Now, that isn't a good answer when it's a relationship. That's the hard part. That's why this question is like, I so want to give a compelling answer. But here is the truth of what I know about human nature. The only thing that you can do is be insanely good example for that person so that they see that you have joy in moments that they do not have joy. That you are impervious to something that they find devastatingly stressful or anxiety-producing and you're able to weather those storms by being very calm through some of that. I think one, I never want to take credit from you, you are extraordinary and you want it for yourself and I've never wanted it for you.

You've always been the driving force of that. Now, having said that, I think that I naturally started on the journey a little bit before you. I started reading and researching the mind and everything before we even met. And that was probably one of the things you gravitated towards was it made sense to you that I was doing those things. So there was no need for me to convince you on that. I don't want to take that away.

But I think that the reason that you gravitated towards the way that I was was I had emotional equilibrium in times where you were very stressed out or something would knock you off. And so it was like, okay, how are you staying even keel through all of this? And knowing that that's a big thing, that that's gonna draw people to you, that's huge.

And then the other is, when I really think back to what you and I did to influence each other massively, it is reward and punishment. And there's, I almost don't want this to be true, even though I know that people move towards what they want more of and they move away from things that they don't. And so that is a reality. and you and I were naked in showing our pleasure and displeasure.

And that is how you shape somebody.

And the reality is I can already feel the pushback that we're going to get on this. But it is the truth. And that's the thing that I was going to say is that people do it to each other all the time. They just don't admit it. Yeah. 100% right? It's like okay, you want to do something nice for someone like to make them feel good like let's say a woman on her on her partners birthday. The chances are they're gonna give them sex. Right, let's just call it a spade of spade because they're like it's gonna make him happy. So we know we as in humans not just women, we know exactly how to play the other person person We just don't want to actually admit it and say out loud and what we've done is actually admit it say it out loud and use it together To really shape who we want as a partner and then what we want as a couple, like, I actually think that it's the secretiveness

that makes it bad, right?

It's like, I see your tactics every time you do it, and I admire them, and I respect them, every time I see them, I'm like, good play Mr. Billu, because yeah, you've given me what I'm looking for, so you've encouraged me to do it more. And then I think it's very important to say to say that I told you from the jump that the only game that I'll ever play with you is

that I'll be completely transparent. So the only manipulation that I'll use is that I'll tell you when I'm manipulating. Why? Because I never wanted you to feel that the unseen hand on the chess board. And in my life and business, the one lesson I learned is

even though there are definitely times where you can position people and even when it's for their own good, you can position them in a way where they're gonna grow and do the things that they need to do and all that. If they don't know exactly what you're doing and why you're doing it, it just makes them uneasy. Yeah. And so always telling each other, hey, here's what I'm doing.

I want like lip.

Now I'm going to not use words like we use.

I'm going to use the actual words.

Hey, I love that when you do that.

It makes me feel. always telling each other. Hey, here's what I'm doing. I want like lit. Now I'm going to not use words

like we use. I'm going to use the actual words. Hey, I love that when you do that. It makes me feel

XYZ way. I want to see more of that. So I want to make sure that I'm giving you the praise and attention that you need for that thing and even asking like, what is that? Like, what would you Like receive, I hate that word, but like what would you receive and really hear and understand if I would do that right now?

And so for instance, something that's very meaningful to you that I never would have known if you hadn't just told me is make me heat up the hot water for me every morning. That was super meaningful to you. It made you feel appreciated and not cool. Well then I'm going to make sure that I do that. And then what are the things that I want that are meaningful to me that make me feel loved and cared for for. Oh, God, I have long held back on this confession, on the show, which is funny, cause I would talk about this privately with absolutely no hesitation whatsoever. Oh, that's curious now. The way that you got me to be interested in shopping was I would get to go in the changing room, and so that for me was when they would let us obviously, that for me was always fun., I'd love seeing you try and sexy clothes. I love seeing you Naked you know, so it was like that was how you got me excited So then it was like I want to pick out clothes that I want to see you try on so that became like how We like you would just say very expressly like hey come in the changing room

Me so that we can make this a sexy moment for you and then I was like well shit Like if we're gonna be doing that then yeah, I'm fully on board So and the same when you're trying on clothes. I know what words will make you feel good about yourself Right if I said like or baby you look so cute in that there's no way in hell you're ever gonna try something Yeah, you would ban it immediately But if it was something I really wanted you to try on and I actually because one thing we don't lie to each other

So if I really wanted you to try on and I actually,

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