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The Ezra Klein Show

What Relationships Would You Want, if You Believed They Were Possible?

The Ezra Klein Show

New York Times Opinion

Society & Culture, Government, News

4.611K Ratings

🗓️ 6 February 2024

⏱️ 59 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Around 40 percent of people who marry eventually get a divorce. Almost half of children are born to unmarried women. The number of close friends Americans report having has been on a steep decline since the 1990s, especially among men. Millions of us are growing old alone. We are living out a radical experiment in how we live, love, parent and age — and for many, it’s failing. That’s partial context, I think, for the recent burst of interest and media coverage of polyamory. People want more love in their lives, and opening their relationships is one way to find it. A poll from last year found that one-third of Americans believe their ideal relationship would involve something other than strict monogamy. But polyamory, for all its possibilities, isn’t right for many, and it doesn’t have that much to say about parenting or aging or friendship. As radical as it may sound, it’s not nearly radical enough. It’s not just romance that could be imagined more expansively. It’s everything. “If this is such a significant relationship in my life, why is there no term for it?” wonders NPR’s Rhaina Cohen about a relationship that transcends the language we have available for friendship. Her forthcoming book, “The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center,” is a window into a world of relational possibilities most of us never even imagined existed. It’s a call to open up what we can conceive of as possible. Some of these models might appeal to you. Others might not. But they all pose a question worth asking: What kinds of relationships would you want in your life, if you felt you could ask for them? Mentioned: “Men’s Social Circles are Shrinking” by Daniel A. Cox The Two-Parent Privilege by Melissa S. Kearney How Should a Person Be? by Sheila Heti Book Recommendations: Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon We All Want Impossible Things by Catherine Newman Thy Neighbor’s Wife by Gay Talese Thoughts? Guest suggestions? Email us at [email protected]. You can find transcripts (posted midday) and more episodes of “The Ezra Klein Show” at nytimes.com/ezra-klein-podcast, and you can find Ezra on X @ezraklein. Book recommendations from all our guests are listed at https://www.nytimes.com/article/ezra-klein-show-book-recs. This episode of “The Ezra Klein Show” was produced by Annie Galvin. Fact-checking by Kate Sinclair and Mary Marge Locker. Our senior engineer is Jeff Geld with additional mixing from Efim Shapiro. Our senior editor is Claire Gordon. The show’s production team also includes Michelle Harris, Rollin Hu and Kristin Lin. Original music by Isaac Jones. Audience strategy by Kristina Samulewski and Shannon Busta. The executive producer of New York Times Opinion Audio is Annie-Rose Strasser. And special thanks to Sonia Herrero.

Transcript

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0:00.0

From New York Times opinion, this is the Ezra Klein Show. One of my preoccupations in the past couple of years and this comes out of issues in my own life

0:28.8

it comes out of being a parent it comes out of these larger social conversations about

0:34.0

loneliness epidemics and friendship recessions is

0:39.6

I think uniting a lot of difficulties in the communal life of Americans at least is what I think

0:48.1

of as the post extended family era that for a huge amount of time in human history, who we married, how we raised children,

0:57.8

who was around us, was structured, for worse sometimes, but also often for better or just for reliability by the

1:06.3

extended family by a kin network there were always people people you could make

1:11.3

asks of people who would make asks of you,

1:14.0

who parents aged around was decided, who would lend a helping hands with kids was known,

1:20.7

who would help somebody find a romantic partner? That was a solved problem.

1:24.0

Again, not for everybody, but we had a structure. And we're living through this wild experiment now.

1:30.6

We're living through the end of the age, the after the end of the

1:35.0

age of the nuclear family. As my colleague David Brooks's were in the nuclear

1:38.6

family was actually a pretty punctuated period of time when most people lived in that.

1:44.2

Now the share of Americans between the ages of 25 and 54 who are married is dwindled

1:48.8

from two-thirds of the population in 1990 to barely half today. Today about 40% of children are born to unmarried

1:55.6

parents. And what we're doing in my estimation is not working. People are lonely, they

2:01.9

don't have enough friends, it's incredibly hard to be a two-parent, two-job family raising children. It is

2:09.3

unimaginably hard to be a single parent with a job raising children. You have a lot of people

2:14.8

aging alone. And I don't think we look at this expansively enough. There's been a

2:19.9

bunch of coverage recently of Polyamoryory which is like a wonderful thing to

2:23.6

discuss but polyamory doesn't solve aging it doesn't necessarily solve or even have

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