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Welcome to Ambridge on the Couch, an in-depth look at the archers with me, Jeff Thomas,

Lucy Freeman, James Everett and Matt Rodriguez-Pain. Now, before we make a start on your emails,

let's have a recap of what happened this week in Ambridge. We began the week with Linda

at the fate being absolutely unbearable,

which was an unintentional pun but far better than any of the others. Poor Dane was regretting

with all of his very being becoming involved in the fate. The silver band had got their

trumpets bent on the bypass and Linda kept wanging on about the village being

superior to the hotel as if Gay Graebles was based in Inverness. The tug of war had some of the

oddest sound effects I've ever heard. It sounded like a cross between an orgy and a phalanx of

Roman soldiers being slaughtered. Linda said she saw tug of war as a metaphor for life in Ambridge, sweaty, exhausting,

muddy and ultimately pointless. Neil and Susan were basically running a bargain booze without a

licence from the fate and towards the end of the day Neil sounded as if he'd been doing his best

to shift the remaining bottles by drinking them. Lillian decided to play an hilarious practical joke on

Susan by making her think she'd upset Jolene,

which was very, very amusing.

Ha ha.

Dane put on his local radio DJ voice, and Linda rather oddly thanked the weather, but not Akram.

Well, that'll teach him to volunteer.

...