You're listening to TED Talks Daily. I'm Elise Hugh. It sounds like a given that we would appreciate people who are both competent and likable, right? But in her 2019 talk from Ted X Marin, filmmaker Robin Hauser sheds light on a dilemma. The more strong, decisive, and competent women are, the less likable other people tend to find us. She spells out this problem, its consequences, and how to turn things around.

I'm a middle child, and I was born leaning in.

For as long as I can remember, I've had this sensationalable desire to compete, to accomplish, and to prove myself.

My energy isn't easily contained, and I've been called by both men and women, intense, high-octane, aggressive, these words don't feel like compliments to me.

I try to control my eagerness. I try to be softer. It's exhausting. The truth is, this

tough shell conceals sensitivities and insecurities that only those closest to me know.

And yeah, my masculine traits make me the kind of gal that can hang with the guys as long as I'm not their boss.

Last winter, I was walking through a ski resort, and a man came up to me and said,

excuse me, are you with a husband or a fiance? No, I said, and I

continued toward the lifts. And then curiosity got the better of me, and I turned around and asked

the guy why he wanted to know if I was with a man. I'm selling timeshares. It's a real estate thing.

And you don't sell to women? Oh, are you interested?

No. But you do know women carry checkbooks too. And at that, he looked at me and said, wow, lady, you're tough.

Modern-day sexism is different than it was in the past, when a blatant comment about a woman's physique or a chummy pat on the derrier was tolerated, maybe even accepted.

Today, sexism can be more subtle, little nuances that might seem like

no big deal to some, but their impact can have the effect of a thousand cuts. That day at the

ski resort resulted in more than just another microabrasion. It sparked a curiosity in me

about perceptions that we have

for women versus men. I wanted to know why do we perceive women differently when we assert ourselves?

So I did a little research and I came across something just to make sure this wasn't all in my

mind called the competence-likeability dilemma,

where women, unlike men, are rarely perceived to be both competent and likable.

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