What Up Ladies, I'm Lisa Beliu and this is Women of Impact. Now there comes a point in every relationship where you're just not looking for the sparks or butterflies anymore even though that feels amazing. You're looking for clarity. You want to know is this actually someone that I can build my life with or should I actually gently step away because there's something about him that is starting to spark some red flags and that's exactly where today's conversation begins. Because as women, we aren't trying to be dramatic, right? We're not trying to actually pick fights. We're just trying to understand what on earth we're seeing. Now sometimes that comes across maybe dramatic or comes across like we're picking a fight. So what do we do? We end up saying choir. And then we end up not actually trusting the flags that we see right in front of us. Are these green flags I can actually trust or these red flags that I'm actually overthinking? Or am I standing at that quiet, fork-and-fricken road where the real question is, do I marry him or do I leave his ass and move on? Now in this episode, I'm sitting down with Doctor Spirit and we're talking about how men actually hear things when you bring up concerns. Why they act and say the things they do, even though it seems crazy to us why some relationship feel so confusing even when actually

there's nothing technically wrong. And how on earth, how on earth we can actually tell the difference between a dynamic that can grow and one that's slowly wearing and tearing you down. Well, today we are talking all things relationships, red and green flags. We go into the early signs that tell you whether a relationship is solid or headed for trouble. Before you end up getting 2D, we talk about why men shut down or deflect. We know just trying to connect and how to tell if there's actually something that's workable or real freaking red flag. And finally, we go over what on earth to pay attention to when someone says that they'll change. So you can actually know if it's real or if Or if it's just freaking words you can forgive him. So if you've been asking yourself whether this relationship is leading somewhere meaningful

or When someone says that they'll change, so you can actually know if it's real or if it's just freaking worse you can forgive them. So if you've been asking yourself whether this relationship is leading some remainable or just quite you're asking you to abandon yourself, let's talk about it right now, right here on Women of Impact. Dr. Spirit, you're one of the best relationship experts in the world, so I've taken the top six things, women sink are green flags, but are actually red flags.

And I want you to find help us women, crack the code to men's very confusing behavior, so we never fall for the wrong guy. Now, I've got a game that I'm calling marry him or move on. Oh, let's go. All right, let's do this. Let's go. So number one, he checks in on you often. How do you know, actually, if it's a green flag and he's actually just been really thoughtful

or a red flag and he's actually monitoring your whereabouts? Well, because if he's checking to see how you're doing, how you're feeling, that's one thing. But if he's checking to see where you are, where you've been, where are you going and with who? That's the difference.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

That's okay. Okay, we've got number two. He needs reassurance. How do you know if he's being vulnerable? Because I think all of us need reassurance at some point in our life. Of course. Or if he's just being really needy and now you're the person that has to take care of him. Yeah, Needing reassurance says,

this is where I think that we are.

Tell me and confirm that for me,

honor or validate that for me. Being really needy says that I have a hole that can't be fixed and no matter how much of that you give me, it's still never enough. And do you think the red flag, like it can't work if you're with somebody like that? Okay, so I'm to be the asshole today. You are setting me up for this, but I have to say it again. And the reason that I have to say it is because far too often, so many people, men and women, but more so women, settle for potential. So when you look at that and say, can it work? Yes, but what it's going to require is for him to actually do the work.

And now you don't know if he's gonna do it. You don't know who he's gonna be when he does it. You don't know how long it's gonna take him to do it, and you don't know if the two of you will be compatible on the other side. So in essence, if you move forward, which you're moving forward with, is the fantasy of who you hope that he will be,

not who he is today.

So beware.

And does that fan then ever come into fruition? Or do you see it mostly ends up in disappointment and then eventual breakoff? Unfortunately, I see it, it's a combination. It's that it ends up in disappointment and they stay together and they spend their whole relationship going back

and forth having the same arguments over and over because they're constantly trying to not just fix the other person but trying to get the person to become the version of them that they fantasized about that made them want to stay anyway. These are conversations that I'm literally having even with the clients that I'm working with today because if I'm'm constantly trying to get you to be another version of yourself, then I'm constantly nitpicking. I'm constantly judging. Nothing ever feels like enough. No matter what I do, there's always something that I could have done more of. And so if you're not careful, you erode that person's confidence. Because as a couple, if you're a monogamous, exclusive couple, you're the only place that they can get that cup filled. So if every time they come to you to get the reassurance and the validation, what you give them is ambivalence or look warm, but five years in, ten years in, twenty five years in, if it's the same conversation, eventually you start to wake up one day and you go, you know, I'm never going to get it right with you. I'm never going to be able to please you. And the resentment and the regret starts to set in. And all of a sudden you wake up and go, we've never had the marriage or the relationship that I thought I was signing up for. I'm waiting for the relationship that you promised me and I want it. I heard something recently and I so want you to tell me if it's true or debunk it, that women will marry for potential and be disappointed that they never actually become the potential they wanted and men marry for the woman that they really are now and the women ends up changing, they get disappointed with the woman they end up being with. Well, I think that that's a very interesting perspective. I can actually see some truth in that because for men, I'm marrying who you are today, and that's usually a very physical experience. Who you look like, how you turn me on, what I believe that you're going to be able to give me in terms of children and the life that we have. But as we start to now develop that life, you're not the same person, right? Because I want you to give me kids. But I didn't think about what the journey looks like. I thought about the moment of you giving me those children or you being the wife of my children. I didn't think about the journey of what this looks like. So all of a sudden, you're not the woman that I married. And her, on the other end, is I signed up waiting for you to be the man that I thought you would become.

Yeah.

All right, moving on. So we've got, he wants to protect you. So how do we know if it's lovely and chivalrous, or is that his way of controlling you? OK, so here is where we crack open the daddy issues as well, though, OK? Because we have to talk about this for a lot of women who have not been raised around men,

they don't know what it means for men

to actually be in a protective posture.

So when you have a man who says, this is what protection looks like and a woman goes, that's not what I want from you. Let me tell you what I actually want is for you to protect me like how I tell you I won't protect you. So it is literally this tug of war. So it becomes this really hard thing

that if a couple doesn't learn how to navigate this dance

...