The Biggest Mistake In Dating: What We Learned The Hard Way (So You Don't Have To)

Dateable: Your insider's look into modern dating and relationships

Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick

Science, Social Sciences, Health & Fitness, Sexuality, Relationships, Society & Culture

4.7 • 910 Ratings

🗓️ 8 May 2026

⏱️ 27 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

What if one of the biggest mistakes in dating is also one of the most common—and hardest to admit? If you’re hoping someone will change or dating someone for their potential instead of who they are right now, you may already be setting the relationship up to fail. In this episode, we explore why we so often expect partners to change for love, how this usually leads to disappointment, and what it means to accept someone as they are – while still being honest about needs, preferences, and deal-breakers. Enjoy! - Take the Dating Archetypes quiz now: https://howtobedateable.com/ Read our book: How To Be Dateable: The Essential Guide To Finding Your Person and Falling in Love: https://howtobedateable.com/ Try the Dateable AI Dating Coach: Get personalized advice trained on our years of podcast episodes, courses and frameworks: https://studio.com/dateable Follow us @dateablepodcast, @juliekrafchick and @nonplatonic. Check out our website for more content. Also listen to our other podcasts The Psychology of Relationships and Exit Interview available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. WE WROTE A BOOK! HOW TO BE DATEABLE (Simon & Schuster) is available now: https://howtobedateable.com/ Want to remove distractions from your dates? Download Brick and get 10% off at https://www.getbrick.app/DATEABLE Our Sponsors: * Avocado Green Mattress: Check out their mattress and furniture sale: https://avocadogreenmattress.com/DATEABLE * Get Rain of Shadows and Endings wherever books are sold or at Kensington Publishing https://www.kensingtonbooks.com * Quince: Get free shipping and 365 day returns at https://quince.com/dateable * Ruggable: Get 10% off your first order, sitewide, with promo code DATEABLE at https://ruggable.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Transcript

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0:00.0	So I used to believe that relationships were about growing together, which I know sounds healthy,
0:06.0	until you realize I was really dating people for who they could be, not who they actually were.
0:12.1	And I justify the gaps, you know, downplay the incompatibilities, tell myself, this will get better with time.
0:18.7	But what if time doesn't change someone? It just reveals how long
0:22.6	you're willing to tolerate what isn't working. And the better question is, why are we more
0:27.8	committed to their potential than our reality? Expecting a partner to change. That's what we're
0:33.5	digging into today. I'm U.A. I'm Julie. And we're sharing what we learned the hard way,
0:38.9	so you don't have to. Were you also a very good project manager? Because that's what I was in my 20s.
0:45.3	And my 30s. Same. I'm like, oh. This didn't stop in my 20s. Yeah. If this is V1, I like the V5 of you.
0:56.1	Oh, my God.
0:56.7	I mean, as a dreamer slash achiever, if you haven't taken our dating archetypes quiz, go do it.
1:02.9	It gave me so much insight into what I did because I, you know, got ahead of myself.
1:08.4	I wanted to believe in someone and their potential. I had one
1:11.9	great date with them. I put them on a pedestal, thought they were going to be the person. And then
1:17.3	the achiever in me wanted to make it work at all costs. Sure. Yeah. And I just kept going. And I was like,
1:24.2	they'll change. They'll come around to the point of someone being like, I don't want a relationship, like at all. And I'm like, they'll change. No, they didn't. They were happy to have me as a hookup, but not a relationship. And then also in situations where, you know, there was more like mental health stuff or things that were
1:46.0	external to our relationship. I was banking on a lot to change, which required someone doing
1:52.3	very deep work that was way out of my control, that maybe they would have got there. But if they
1:57.8	did, it would be years. And it's ultimately something they have to
2:01.1	want for themselves. You can't want that and do that for someone. We were just so damaged by
2:07.0	the stories we would hear from our friends, our acquaintances, our coworkers of they knew someone
2:15.2	who knew someone who had a partner who came around finally or the person
	...

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