Welcome back my homie for part two with Dr Nicole Lepera where we're exposing signs of incompatibility in your relationships and guiding you to take the responsibility and all starting by looking in the mirror. Guys and there is always hard to look inwards instead of blaming people on the outside, it is so much easier to blame other people. But trust me, I've been there and it doesn't serve you, it doesn't get you what you want, it doesn't get you the relationship that you actually desire because you're always waiting for them to change, you're waiting for them to show up differently. But today we're talking about us. Now if you've ever felt like your partner's point of view was just a slap in the face, guys hold on a second because before you dismiss it as just being gasslet, Nicole is pulling back the curtain on how their difference of opinion may not actually be an attack on you. So whether you're feeling incompatible and disjointed in your romantic relationship or lifelong relationships with your family, we're looking at ways to see ourselves and others in total honesty. And so without waiting or wasting another minute, let's dive into part two with a world-renowned psychologist Nicole LaPara on today's episode of Women of Impact. Because I remember Tomwood, you know, throws his socks on the floor and just leaves his dirty plate and like growing up in a Greek family where it's like you eat, you pick up your plate, you tidy, like I actually perceived that to be disrespectful. And it wasn't until we had the conversation, the communication of like, this feels really disexperienced, I was just like, I can't believe it. But then over time, I was just like, this really disrespectful. And he was shocked, because he's like, what do you mean? Where I come from, in my household, why would I take time to pick up my socks if I can spend time with you? You know, and it's beautiful.

Then it's like, yeah, you interpretation of those things

and what disrespect means to you best is what disrespect means to that person. Absolutely, I'm really happy you share that. It's a common one, cause I would explode when I would come home from work usually later than Lollies, if she would be home, if the dishes weren't done, If there wasn't my hot dinner on the table exactly like what I saw growing up and what I

received growing up, I would explode or shut myself in the room and say nothing's wrong when it was. And what I came to learn is not only in her own childhood, they did not have shared meal times. Everyone fended for themselves. So she's like, what do you mean? You sit together and we eat the same thing. That's never anything I've ever done in any relationship. More so, her mom was very hyper reactive when she did not do things as her mom expected, when her room wasn't tidy, when she did leave a dish out. So now I'm enacting more or less, not even knowing it, because I'm so hurt, because she's my language and not disrespect. She's not considering me. And what I need, which is my hot dinner

and the dishes done, right? I'm actually in my explosive moment because my feelings are hurt, not to invalidate how I was feeling, because that was real. I'm actually creating her own kind of cycle of trauma because she's going right back to her childhood, where her mom is yelling at her and she's sitting there dumbfounded because again, like Tom in many ways,

she was excited to tell me about her day

and hear about my day and I'm yelling about the dishes that aren't done. So we were completely mismatched and I just like to highlight both sides of it because without very crappy, I know for me when those things weren't done, I'm sure for you when you're being disrespected by the socks on the floor feels just as crappy when we're having a reaction that our partners can't make sense of or that's going against with their seeing or was their intentions or their actions or indicating otherwise. Yeah, that's so powerful. And I think you call it in your book, you witness your condition self and you tell the story of Mona. So talk to me about that where she is interpreting the entire scenario in one way. And then actually it's not that. Yeah. And again, what are interpretations, let's just start there, are based in the most frequent interpretations that our childlike mind made sense of our earliest experiences. And so then we assign all of these meanings, I was sharing earlier we learn about who we are

We learn about who others are we learn about what behaviors or lack of behaviors mean and then because we are driven to those familiar Pathways in our brain. We don't come up with new scenarios. We revisit those old ideas So what a condition self is is kind of the neurobiological manifestation or this entire way of being that is for a lot of us wired in our nervous system and it's this regulation and these cycles of emotional addiction. We were talking about right these highs and lows and I've become so familiar with these highs and lows that this is just my you know, my cocktail of of neurotransmitters of hormones and my familiar and so that that's what a condition self simply is, is my entire way of being that has become so familiar to me, down to the ingrained beliefs that I have about me and my relationships, that then become those filters that I'm dropping over what's happening. So Mona, and I give many different story examples within the book of illustrating all the different condition selves But they are simply this idea that we're recreating our past in absence of it being our present moment We're seeing through the filter of what happened and what we believe to be true We're seeing in our partners actions and our in actions Exactly and we're feeling more in our body, exactly what once was, even if it's not the case at all. And so by identifying your condition self from the get-go, is that becomes the foundation that you can then use as a compass that becomes, I think, whenever we can become conscious of our way of being, we allow ourselves to take that second step to create change, which is beginning to change that dynamic, right?

Putting up the boundary, not watering down or suppressing what I really think, what I really feel and saying it, or whatever it might be, we give ourself that ability to make a choice. And again, I want to be really intentional here

because becoming aware that we have a conditioned self

or we are the overachiever in a relationship

or the underachiever who shrinks ourself down

or the caretaker who's always in service of someone else. There's a three of them. Becoming aware of it isn't going to stop that pattern from happening. We're going to feel compelled. Our mind is going to tell us we should show up in this way because again, that's the belief that's coming to play. We're gonna feel at times like we can't resist and we can't stop doing that same thing,

shrinking ourselves or, you know, overstepping our boundaries to do something for someone else. So it's becoming aware the condition self doesn't go away immediately, though over time making new choices, which again often include navigating our body and all of those emotions and calming down those dysregulated moments over time we can create a new habit. But I do think a lot of us have the idea that the awareness is going to, okay, I'm an overachiever ought to stop being that. And in reality that isn't the case, it's actually the daily practice of creating a new habit where over time then that doesn't become the case So very much, I still have all of those habits wired in. Actually, a funny little aside that you and I were sharing in terms of guilt and feeling bad and me feeling like a burden came up when you and I were having a text earlier, right? And I was saying I had this whole created story of having spoken something without having run it by you first, even though you've told me on multiple occasions, it's totally okay. Like, you know, this is open, this is welcome. And in my mind, because I have, again, this idea that I'm a burden and no one actually wants to be there and show up in, you know, kind of reciprocal support of me, I was kind of going down that same conditioned way of being, like, who am I to want or need something from somebody?

And oh my god, I've upset Lisa and oh my gosh. And I spent all this time feeling guilty and bad, even in absence of any reason to believe. I mean, you've actually told me the complete opposite. Yeah. You even texted me the complete opposite affirming that there's no reason for me to feel bad. And yet, my guilt is still there because there's still that very conditioned part of me that feels bad, having wants and needs in a relationship, having them express, having space for them express the part alone, having someone receive them and meet them. So I just wanted to use that example because I think it very much applies to everything we're talking about. It doesn't go away, but what I've learned to do is become present to it to navigate my feelbades without saying, no, it's fine, you know, I won't. And to actually receive the support and the love and the connection that you

so generously offer me. Oh, I mean, did you do it? We would literally do it the same. I'm like, I'm so sorry. No, I was just like, where are you by the pool of drives in here? The rustle bad, they buy it, that's what it's all good. I love that. But the story with Mona that I really love,

because I'm always trying to play like almost Devils advocate and think about what that other

scenario is and then how people know. that. But the story with Mona that I really love, because I'm always, again, trying to play

like almost Devils advocate and think about what that other scenario is and then how people navigate it. So Mona, I believe, had like a childhood wound where if someone didn't answer her or get back to her, she felt like rejected. And so she's dating this guy, she's married to a guy and she ends up, I think a text in him is that right? Like, text is him, doesn't get back and so she's like, my God, he's the upset with me. So then she goes calling

him and then he's not answering. a guy and she ends up, I think a text in him is that right? Texts in, doesn't get back.

And so she's like, oh my god, he's the upset with me.

So then she's calling him and then he's not answering.

...