Well up guys, Lisa Bilyu here and welcome to another epic episode of Women's Impact. And today we're diving into a topic that hits home for a lot of women. That new relationship energy that feels good and bubbly until it doesn't. Falling in love? That's the fun part that we all crave. But staying in love, that's a whole different ballgame. Excitement turns into a mindful of dramatic highs and explosive lows that leads to breakups and heart breaks. So what on earth do you do when the initial thrill fades and things start to feel just ordinary? Well today my girl, Dr Nicola Pereira is back to help you navigate beyond the 70% of relationships that fail. So don't miss out on part two of this powerful conversation with Nicole Appara tomorrow as she reveals the journey of being a strange from her own family and the pain and the healing that comes with it. And before we dive in, guys, if you haven't subscribed to this podcast, share what are you waiting for. So hit that subscribe button and let's dive into this episode with my girl, Dr. Nicole Lepera. Falling in love can somewhat be a bit easy, but staying in love can feel like it's impossible. So what are the key things that we can start to look out for that can actually be indicators that maybe our relationship is in trouble? I think some of us become really attracted to the hormones and the drama and the roller coaster that comes along with the honeymoon stage of love, I think is how we commonly think of it. And when it then transitions into a relationship or a relationship that don't have those really high highs in the beginning, I think that's when challenge can occur where we think we're bored, we think maybe this isn't the right person. So in terms of finding our way toward a kind of stable version of love, I think love does feel, it feels calm, it feels grounded. There's a reciprocal give and take of support. There's space for individual self-expression. And of course, if you're not feeling that way in your relationships, if there's dramatic highs and lows or just dysfunctional patterns in general or you don't feel safe to express yourself, your ideas, your perspectives or to have your needs being met, chances are again there's nothing necessarily wrong with you though you're likely repeating patterns that worked and that were adaptive for you at one time but might not be serving you in this authentic relationship. So, are there several different ways that emotions can lack space, can lack attention, and can result in not feeling that reciprocal give and take of support? And I think one of the most common ones is emotional invalidation, or all of the different moments where maybe we share, if we feel comfortable sharing what I'm feeling with the partner and of course this is beyond just romantic partners with friends, with family members pretty much in any relationship. And maybe we're immediately met with words of, we're being dramatic or our emotions are minimized in other ways where it's simply denied, guess lighting is a very common word. That didn't happen or you don't feel that way or and or you shouldn't feel that way. And I think all of those are really common things that we just many of us have gotten used to because that maybe was the dynamic in our childhood home where there wasn't space where we did hear from our caregivers that we were being too dramatic or not to express anger because it's inappropriate for whatever reason or maybe just outright things were denied to us. When in reality we were feeling them and they were true in our bodies. Because I think being aware of what emotions are, that they actually are physiological sensations that are happening. And I know, opens the door for the validity of them.

Even if they're coming from an older story or an older experience that was quite similar to what's happening now, they are still living in our body and real, though, of course, within that space and within that self-awareness, once I learn to drop in and notice that my heart rate is getting elevated, or I'm feeling that clenching, sick feeling in my stomach that might map on to some emotions.

Understanding, of course, that they might be. My heart rate is getting elevated or I'm feeling that clenching sick feeling in my stomach that you know might map on to some emotions

Understanding of course that they might be coming from our past They might be a remnant of a similar circumstance that we lived or a similar experience that we lived So saying that to say emotions are real though. It is our kind of job to distinguish between Okay, is this emotion coming? Because of what my way my mind made sense of, the story, my mind told about what is happening and then questioning the accuracy, right? What is this actually what's happening? Because our mind is always trying to make sense of what's happening around us, and it often isn't giving us an accurate representation, but not to say again that the feelings aren't alive for us. And I always just like to preface that because I do think sometimes we think where we have the expectation that the goal is not to feel things, to avoid our emotions entirely or to think them away. And that's just simply not possible. So emotions are real wherever they're coming from, dropping in our body as you'll always hear me speak of, is going to be an important part of that journey. All right, so take me through this scenario and I'm going to pay a bill of devil's advocate here, because if it's coming from your body totally get that, maybe it's from the past trauma that you've had and so you shop in a relationship and let's say somebody saying you're being dramatic. The emotion of the drama, I understand, can be real, but then how do you identify whether your partner is trying to gaslight you,

or whether you actually are being dramatic and you then have to work through it with your partner to then maybe explain why that emotion is coming out. And where's that fine line between the reality and the emotion and then how do you, as a partner, discuss that with your significant other? Yeah, absolutely. And I think what partners offer us, right, the possibility of what they could offer us, I should say, is an unblinded perspective, right, a different kind of vantage point on what's happening. So just taking the dramatic example, right, an over-emotional experience, you know, that might be colored by this past. It's not really maybe mapping on to what's happening. So allowing in hearing, I think first and foremost, especially if it's coming from a trusted partner. Now I want to, again, preface this with not a stranger on the internet, not someone who's just giving their opinion about us. This is someone that, you know, we have a sense of commitment to or relational security around. In those moments, taking their perspective and hearing and being curious, because it's never just defer to them, oh, I'm being dramatic, you must be accurate in this. And then obviously taking what we know of our past experience and dropping into and exploring for ourselves, okay, what is the story that went through my mind that mapped on to this big emotion in my body? And even if it does come to the conclusion that, okay, this was a past experience that is, you know, kind of coming out in this very big over emotional way, it's not mapping on, doesn't mean it's any less real. So even in those moments, shifting perspective, allowing in what our partner shared with us and also possibly asking for support, because we're still feeling the way that we're feeling even if it isn't an accurate representation of what's happening. And I think some of us too, when we didn't have that space to have our space for our own perspectives, our own emotions and childhood, we could, I create a kind of dynamic that we bring into relationships where we don't trust ourselves to begin with. So it doesn't even have to be a function of the toxic or non-toxic person. There's a lack of validity that we don't even give to ourself. We're always defying, we're always outsourcing. We're always asking what someone else thinks or feels and then taking on their reality for how we should think and feel in any given circumstance. So I do think, and I touch upon this a lot in the book, relationships are co-created. Yes, of course, there might be people that are, you know, using our reality or trying to manipulate our reality and our emotions, though I do think that often goes hand in hand with, right? The part we're playing at least being, we don't. We're not secure in what we think and what we feel. And I'm just speaking from my own lived experience of always deferring outward, always asking people for their opinions on certain things, always deferring to how I saw other people reacting emotionally in any given moment. And if I inherently wasn't naturally thinking or feeling that way, I would diminish my own intuition. And I would say, oh, Nicole, you must be inaccurate here because no one else is upset by this. So almost shaming myself out of that. So I just always like to honor kind of both sides because typically again there's a familiarity

that we recreate from childhood.

So if we were the child who didn't have that space, chances are we're not going to have

that self-trust inherently and we're going to continue then to create relationships that

might allow in those manipulative behaviors.

So going to shame actually, thank you for bringing that up. I think that's a big part of what I've hear from my audience a lot, where people feel that they are ashamed for having a certain emotional response with their partner. And so how do you advise someone like that in that situation to really put out boundaries and really recognize that they should, I don't want to say the word shouldn't, right? But really, they shouldn't have any shame in their emotional response, but take the potential ownership over it. I think even defining shame for what it is. And I'm saying this because there was a version of me that shame was so baked in to how I learned to be in my relationships as this achievement driven person that more or less had no emotional needs because I didn't have that attunement in my childhood that I was acting in a way unconsciously to even avoid feeling anything shameful by presenting myself as someone who emotions me. I'm good. I'm showing up in service of you. There's nothing going on. I'm fine. And it took me years to understand that my,

I call it a condition self in the book. And I introduce this concept of all of these different kind of patterned ways that we show up as, for me, the overachiever on the other side of that as the underachiever, as the caretaker or the hero worship or this person who idealizes everyone. But a lot of us, we don't even notice

that what we're feeling at its core is shameful.

I'm too shameful to express my perspective. I'm too shameful to express my emotion. So instead, I don't know I'm even feeling shame because I just be someone who doesn't have those things. So I think defining the root, which for a lot of us, any time again in childhood that we didn't have that space and the curiosity of someone else to understand us as a unique, different individual, a lot of times we modify ourself out of that shame. This deep belief that I'm not worthy as I am, I'm not lovable as I am because of what was directly said, or two dramatic stuff being like that, or what was indirectly done, distance withdrawal, the silent treatments treatments, a big one when there's disappointment or when someone has a negative reaction. And before long we've registered that enough that from that shameful place, this idea that, oh, who I am isn't worthy, I begin to modify. So I think understanding that for a lot of us, especially if we're not being who we are or really expressing our true nature or our true perspective or our true emotions, defining it as coming from a shameful place. And then of course, the journey begins with creating like you're beautifully saying space and boundaries, which sometimes begins with my relationship with myself first. Before I can authentically share with you Lisa how I'm feeling,

I have to be really connected with how I'm feeling.

I have to rebuild for many of us a connection with my body,

so I can attune to all of those different physiological signals

and get some clarity so that over time then,

I can work through the discomfort of maybe disclosing to you

that I'm feeling badly or I'm feeling in need of help or support or I'm feeling grief or whatever it is that I'm feeling. So, and then of course boundaries become a conversation creating the space so I can self-explore is a set of boundaries. And then creating the space that I have now a choice point because what we can't control is how someone will receive or not receive our self-expression. But what we can choose is how we keep our self-safeguardless of what they do or don't do with the information. Then again, just to play the tape forward, right? If they use it against us, if they bring it up later to manipulate us, I know you talk about this often, right? If they explode and don't create a safe space for when we do want to share, then we can of course modify our behavior moving forward by sharing with a different person or by removing ourselves from an unseated situation or a relationship entirely. And also, I hear a lot of people often get mocked for putting up the boundary in the first days, especially if you've already been in this dynamic, maybe you've been in a relationship for a year or a while, and then you start do the work internally. You really are noticing maybe some toxic dynamic between you and your partner. You're looking to improve it so you're doing the self work and then you show up to try and improve it. But then often other people, if they haven't done the work, they're going to shame you for trying to create that space or create that boundary. We all struggle with change and the reality of it is because we are dynamic, you know, interdependent, interconnected creatures. This is why we see this often time in families. It's so difficult when one person begins to think differently and do differently, quite like dominoes, there isn't impact. Whether it's with your romantic partner, your friend group or within your family structure, everyone's kind of fallen into this pattern of relating and now if one person's going to either question the status quo or the narrative or even more so make a new choice to create change, then there is going to be an impact and sometimes because while we're wired to change and grow and involve as species, as creatures really, there is a drive to the familiar. Change inherently feels unsafe. So if you have a family dynamic or relational dynamic where the other individuals struggle with navigating their stress of change, their emotional reaction to now this new way of being, maybe even the fact that now you're challenging not only your own identity

and the role you play, but perhaps their identity and what they come to know of the relationship, right? Now it can get really complicated and people can have really big reactions and sometimes it comes out as invalidating our change, as teasing, oh of course what are you, what are you too good for us now that you can't come around as much or you're not available in these ways. So sometimes well-meaning teasing or what people think is, oh, I'm just poking fun, is really their attempt at navigating their own discomfort that they're feeling when something is different in their world. How do you then start to break that cycle? Because to your point, if you're just learning this, you're just practicing. Maybe you've had past relationships where it's been a repetitive kind of cycle and then, you know, the toxicity you leave, you know, maybe you go back. But maybe you've realized now in this relationship that the signs that, okay, I need to do something different. It's not working. I really want to try and make this relationship work. What can I do? So you start to set these boundaries and that person starts to reciprocate in either the exploding or they give you the silent treatment because that becomes a manipulation tool that then someone uses in order for you to then drop that change that you were gonna do or drop that boundary or stay in that relationship. How do you start to actually vocalize what you're doing? How do you address their, I wanna say punishment because it it feels like that's a punishment. And then what would you advise someone does in that situation? Well, I think I love actually that you intuitively started with vocalizing it, because we all struggle with change, unexpected changes, even more destabilizing. So if we do come to the awareness on our individual journeys, that I am going to gonna or I need to begin to show up differently in this relationship It can be really helpful to actually directly communicate that right what my intention is and how I will navigate the Circumstance or the relationship in its entirety differently the caveat here being doing so not in an explosive moment Not when we're having an eruption because we can't take it anymore and where our partner is in their reactive cycle or in their disconnected or shut down cycle because anytime our nervous system is activated, that eruption being a sign of flight mode, scrolling around or needing that to get to that work email, a sign of fleeing, being shut down entirely, that kind of silent treatment, a sign of that detacher or or that disconnection mode. So when we're out of that state, and it sometimes is an ideal, oftentimes we want to communicate it in the heat of the moment, right? Well, I'm going to stop doing this now because I can't take it anymore. It would really benefit us to set the intention and communicate the intention at a calmer moment. Because anytime our nervous system is activated,

whatever side we're on, if we're the ones activated

or if our partner is, we're not actually able to hear

...