And instead trying to control the other person, really exploring it and seeing how we can dance together, willingly, wanting to, not because we feel forced or controlled.

It wasn't until these last seven years, me building a life with Vanessa where I start to realize, oh, I have not done this in other relationships.

I have subtly tried to get people to love me in the way that I want them to, or I would not define me as love.

So love, to be effective, must speak the dialect the other person understands.

I like this because imagine that you guys literally are speaking different love languages

and trying to communicate, right?

One person is speaking Chinese, the other one's speaking Spanish.

For many people, that's how they love each other, just different languages.

And then each refusing to learn the other person's language.

I'm John Kim, a licensed therapist who used to be a miserable fuck before going on a hero's journey and turning expired relationships into revelations.

I use my story to help others come with you instead of at you, unrehearsed on purpose,

because self-help doesn't have to be polished or complicated.

Just honest.

So I just got a shower.

Any Costa Rica,

you're always going to the shower, coming out of the shower, washing off sand, etc.

And I just ran around the house naked for a second like my five and a half year old does.

And I flirted with my partner and she was spontaneous with me.

You could fill in the blaze.

We didn't have sex or make it a big deal.

It was just kind of a spontaneous gesture.

And it's also something that is more, it's more of my love language than hers and she knows this which made it more important,

...