SC 53 - How To Feel Safe & Secure With Your Partner with Stan Tatkin

The Jayson Gaddis Podcast

Jayson Gaddis

Relationships, Society & Culture

4.7 • 999 Ratings

🗓️ 26 May 2016

⏱️ 67 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Do attachment principles actually work in adult relationships? How can secure functioning assist you and your partner into greater safety and openness in your marriage? In this episode I talk with Stan Tatkin, couple therapist, and adult attachment guru. I’ve been studying this guy for the past 2 years through my wife. He’s making a very important contribution, backed by brain science, with the neuro psychobiological approach to how adults to long-term relationship successfully. Get ready to “parent” your partner! Yikes! I learned a lot here and am eager to share his work with you.

SHOWNOTES

How did Stan get into becoming a therapist? [5:45]
What is “secure functioning”? [13:00]
How is secure functioning different than “co-dependency”? [21:45]
What does a co-dependent dynamic look like in real life? [22:30]
Are we re-parenting ourselves with our chosen partners? [28:00]
What is a “master regulator” in a relationship? How to tell if that’s you. [31:30]
How to avoid choosing a partner who is not a good fit for a secure functioning model? [32:30]
When dating, here’s one thing you MUST do. [35:00]
What is the allostatic load and how does it impact both your body and relationships? [38:00]
The antidote to when a relationship goes on auto-pilot. [47:00]
Island, Anchor, Wave and why they matter in your relationship. [48:00]
The myth of “you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else”. [52:00]
Does your therapist also need to be in a thriving partnership [55:00]
Why does Stan say that “dating lasts forever”? [56:30]
Stan’s big tip on how couples can stimulate their marriage on a daily basis [58:00]

Transcript

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0:00.0	We know that people who are isolated do not live as long, have more illness and are a little bit crazier. the Hey, welcome back to the Smart Couple Podcast, folks. What's up? Really good to have you here listening. I really
0:37.4	appreciate the listenership, the interest, the engagement. We have lots of people very engaged in the Smart Couple Facebook
0:45.8	group. And you can join that if you want to engage as well. Just go to Jason Guedis.com Smart Couple Group. And there's a community in
0:57.3	there growing people who want to learn this long-term relationship stuff, Which is what this podcast is about.
1:04.0	This podcast is for you, the growth-oriented person who likes to develop him or herself,
1:12.0	who prefers to take ownership and not blame other people, who
1:16.8	when you blame, you go, oh yeah, there's more of the story here, I'm kind of caught in my blaming thing and maybe there's something I have to learn here.
1:25.8	Maybe I'm missing something about me. And we do that in this community so that we can have great relationships.
1:33.0	Okay, you don't get a good relationship by blaming other people.
1:37.0	If you ever sat there at a bus stop or the airport or in the grocery line and you hear someone on their phone or
1:45.4	two people connecting at a coffee shop and all they're talking about is shit
1:50.5	about another person. Now that's fine to talk shit about other people if you
1:58.0	want to learn something about yourself like hey friend let me talk about Sally
2:02.4	and what a moron she is for a minute and how much I dislike her.
2:08.0	And then will you help me see why she's so triggering for me?
2:11.0	Will you help me see what my problem is with her
2:14.9	interaction, with our interaction? Will you help me see my judgmentalism and
2:20.4	how I'm probably just judging some disowned part of me, friend, will you help me do that?
2:24.0	Okay, that's the attitude we take here at the smart couple.
2:28.5	It's an intelligent way to relate to yourself and other people and it gets you very very
2:37.1	satisfying relationships so that's what we do. We also interview a lot of relationship experts, couples, and people who get relationship, who understand intimacy.
2:52.0	A lot of people claim they do, but very few I think actually do, because they don't live it.
	...

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