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So something interesting when I look back at the season of my life that we're talking about.

So something interesting when I look back at the season of my life that we're talking about is I really wasn't just trying to measure up to myself or to other people.

I actually was trying to measure up to God and I thought that there was a way to do that. I thought that he had an expectation. He had entrusted me with a lot and I needed to meet that expectation and I was moving through my life

and the work that he had given me with that in mind and it was exhausting.

It's one of the main reasons I think I was so

exhausted and I did not want to do this anymore. So I want to read to you out of the

book what I was feeling in that time. I flashed back to the urgency to please and obey

God I had for several years and I see now that it had strangled much of my wonder, delight,

elation, satisfaction, and just plain fun out of life. With life feeling more and more hectic

and cluttered my soul was obviously unfulfilled. I had a lot of things of God

but not God himself. True fulfillment means we have the ability to live present in both positive and negative experiences

and not miss either one.

Yet I was bitterly aware that all of it seemed to be slipping through my hands.

Somehow, as I surrendered to God like a pendulum, I swung from life is about my happiness,

to life is about suffering for Jesus. So somehow I thought that okay I'm in and if

you've read the book anything you know my husband I prayed this prayer of surrender

...