S2 Ep149: When Conflict Turns Lovers Into Exes ft. Touré

LOVERS by shan

Sexuality, Society & Culture, Relationships, Health & Fitness

5 • 5.5K Ratings

🗓️ 17 December 2025

⏱️ 53 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships. Damage doesn’t have to be.

In this episode, we explore what actually separates fights that bring couples closer from fights that quietly turn lovers into enemies. We talk about the moment arguments go sideways, why so many conflicts feel bigger than the issue at hand, and how couples can stay on the same team even when they fundamentally disagree.

Our guest, Touré Neblett, draws on decades of navigating high-stakes, contentious conversations both publicly and privately to share what he’s learned about emotional regulation, repair, and conflict inside a long-term marriage. This conversation focuses on how disagreement can exist without contempt, and how learning to fight differently can fundamentally change the trajectory of a relationship.

Follow Touré
Website → https://toure.com Toure
Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/toureshow/ Instagram
YouTube → https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCo-SwvkGbQgDt3oXfASPPJQ youtube.com
Podcast → Touré Show (Apple/Spotify)
Books → Who’s Afraid of Post-Blackness? What It Means to Be Black Now; I Would Die 4 U: Why Prince Became an Icon; Soul City; Never Drank the Kool-Aid; The Portable Promised Land; Nothing Compares 2 U (available on Amazon and major booksellers)

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Transcript

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0:00.0	Masculinity is a prison. Men police it, but also women police it.
0:05.0	In arguments, it's very important to be mindful of what the end goal is.
0:09.0	I let that shit fly. Conehead, bird chest, ratnobles.
0:15.0	Oh, you should fight with kid gloves. You should never unleash, you know, real shit on your partner because you're
0:22.6	mad at them. Choose silence. I don't forget that I love my wife even though we're fighting.
0:32.7	When I was younger, the thought was right to be understood. And then when I got further along, it was
0:39.7	right so that you can't be misunderstood, which is a higher bar. I think a lot of men, you don't
0:48.7	really feel it. We try to power through it. You don't know why your blood pressure is boiling when your wife just said you're just like your mother.
1:00.0	It's an entire part of your life and your body that you are ignoring.
1:06.0	And it is affecting the world around you.
1:09.0	When I was at MSNBC and there was a conservative on the show with us.
1:13.8	And there was a moment on the show where the conservative said something that angered me and I
1:18.8	lashed out at her and the boss called me in afterwards and like, let's just look at this moment.
1:24.5	And does this look good as a black man?
1:37.3	Hi there, lovers! What's up? Let's be honest, conflict is really, really conflicting. On one hand, you need it to grow, to challenge yourself to get better. On the other hand, it makes you be at odds. And let's be honest, sometimes
1:45.8	kind of hate the person that we love. Maybe love the most out of anybody in this world. So this
1:53.1	episode is with Toray, and Toray is somebody who is no stranger to conflict. And he talks about within his marriage, his decade-long marriage, how he has learned to
2:05.7	find a way to make conflict work for versus against their relationship.
2:11.0	And I think that that's a lofty goal that we should all work towards.
2:14.2	On that note, this goal only works if three things are present. All the advice in the
2:20.0	world or any advice period is only really going to work for you if these three statements are
2:25.7	true of your relationship. Are you ready? Statement one, you have to be with someone who likes
	...

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