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Lovers and Friends with Shan Boodram

S2 Ep119: Death, Love and Grieving What’s Still Here featuring Alessia Cara

Lovers and Friends with Shan Boodram

LOVERS by shan

Sexuality, Society & Culture, Relationships, Health & Fitness

55.5K Ratings

🗓️ 14 May 2025

⏱️ 54 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Nothing good lasts. Right? In this deeply moving episode, Canadian singer-songwriter Alessia Cara joins Shan Boodram to explore the connection between intimacy, loss, and the fear of death (thanatophobia). Inspired by her song "Sublime" from Love and Hyperbole, Alessia opens up about her personal journey with grief and how it shapes the way she loves and creates. Together, they dive into universal questions: How do we hold on to love while letting go of control? How does the fear of loss impact our relationships, intimacy, and even our everyday choices?

Esther Perel talks about how desire and loss can sit right next to each other. This made me think about how those ideas show up in everyday relationships: the death of connection, the slow fading of intimacy, or the fear that something we’ve built might not last.

When you zoom out, so much of how we attach, how we love, and even how we have sex is shaped by that deeper fear, what happens if I lose this? Or if I lose you? Or if I lose me in this?

Thank You Alessia Cara
http://alessiacara.com
https://www.instagram.com/alessiasmusic
https://www.youtube.com/@alessiacara

Thanks Dame for sponsoring this episode:

Dame makes products designed to enhance intimacy and connection—whether you’re with a partner or flying solo. 
http://dame.com/shan

Dame Coupon: SHAN15

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Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

My true cognizance of the fact that I'm going to die, like, happened in, like, 2020.

0:05.0

And I feel like I described it as, like, when the door opened.

0:08.0

Is that pandemic related at all?

0:11.0

We're on this ride. We can't get out.

0:13.0

And I just had this sensation of, like, wanting to, like, zip myself open and jump out of myself.

0:18.0

But I couldn't.

0:19.0

I would think the fear of death would give you the opposite of like, I want the safety of this container.

0:25.9

I want to be in my body.

0:27.5

And I want the safety of a ride that has me strapped in so I can't fall out.

0:31.3

So explain to me why it's, that's not true.

0:33.3

That I'm wasting away, grieving what's still alive, and fight with an ache that won't subside.

0:47.3

I think, you know, in the chorus, I say, like, grieving what's still alive and fighting with an ache that one subside, which I find myself doing all the time.

0:56.5

And I think I'm not able to enjoy present moments because I'm always thinking about them ending.

1:01.2

There's a way to be sensitive and be a sponge to the world without being self-destructive.

1:06.1

And you really just have to find it.

1:07.8

You know, you can live a very healthy, beautiful life and still make beautiful music and connect with people without putting yourself through help. So maybe I wish that I was more

1:18.5

encouraged to, like, sit with my sensitivity and just like learn how to use it better, you know.

1:23.1

What is your relationship status right now? I'm in a relationship.

1:26.6

Hey. Yeah.

1:28.3

You know, you know you're in a healthy relationship when like your fear is not of them, like,

1:31.3

cheating on you or the relationship ending, it's of something happening to them.

1:35.3

What do you wish people complimented you about yourself on one more?

...

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