You're on the virtue. So you're having issues in your relationship and you can't seem to put your finger on exactly what's wrong.

Cassius found a list of things that could be causing tension in your relationship that you don't even realize are happening. Okay, Cass, bring it.

So it all has to do with how you were raised and it's really, really interesting. There's an author named Mary Robinette Coal who talked about this.

And basically it has to do with something called ask culture and guess culture culture. And it's a small difference. She says in the manner that can create huge conflicts between characters and in your relationships.

So what this means is you have to look at your childhood and did you come from something called an ask culture or a guess culture and it's how you ask for help. So I'm pretty short.

If I need to get something off a tall shelf and I'm talking to my husband, would I say, I can't reach the cereal. It's on the top shelf, which is the example she uses.

Or would I say, can you please get the cereal down for me? I can't. I can't reach it. Now if you coming from a guess culture, it is super rude to ask someone to do something for you. So you would hint that you need help and allow them to step in so you never have to put that person in a place where they have to say no to you.

So I would say, I can't reach the cereal. It's too high expecting my husband to be like, I got it for you. No problem. It's just that's how I was raised. It's polite.

Now that doesn't mean asking is impolite, but other people are raised in a culture where you asked for things directly. Now if you have two of those people together and they have different childhoods and different ways they were raised, the person who was raised with the like suggesting that I need help the guess culture is going to find it rude.

And if all the time the partner is like, can you do this for me? Can you do this for me? Can you do this for me? Whereas their partner is going to be like, why don't you just say what you want? It asks me for help when you need help. Whereas one person is trying to be polite, but they're feeling unsupported and this and the same vice versa. You're just not on the same page because your communication style and how you ask for support is not the same thing. Oh my god, this is making so much.

In your marriage with Bart, who's who in this one? So here's the thing. I don't recall what kind of like household I grew up in if it was ask or guess, but I know what I am now. And I am a guess. Like I'll be like, oh, it's freezing in here.

Or you know, for it. I just I know I'm a guest person. My husband is an ask person. So we are.

Yes, this makes a lot of sense. My fiance is just like you. Yeah, the exact same way. And it's interesting. I just don't come right out and ask for it.

So there's a subcategory here that maybe you're still going to cover Cassie that really is the way that I grew up, which is you just take care of it yourself.

Seriously, like you don't complain. You don't ask anybody for help. If you need something, you do it yourself, which can be equally frustrating.

Yeah, I grew up in a, leave me alone culture. That's that's what it was for me. And assume the answer is no. If you do ask. So yeah, you figure it out on your own. And that has definitely been who I was in relationships as well.

Yeah, this is something I struggle with is asking people for help. Because I want to be like a hundred in my head. Like I want to be a hundred percent capable. And I want to be able to be independent. So me asking for help has never felt comfortable for me.

I can't do it. And it's really interesting. You say that too. Because when you grow up and get into those relationships, I would say that's a subset of the guest culture. If you know, you are always doing the guest thing. Like, oh, I'm cold or I'm really thirsty.

And your partner never steps up to the plate. You feel really unsupported, unloved and unseen like they don't care. But for your partner, they see it as well. You don't need me. You've never needed me. You never asked for my help. You're wholly independent. And they start feeling unworthy.

And so it can cause this rift literally just by the way that you operate. So just it's one thing to keep in mind whenever and this can go for workplace as well. Anywhere when you're interacting with people, how do they communicate and what messages are you totally unintentionally sending just by how you operate?

That's a really great point that I had never even thought of before. It all starts with your parents. They screw you up right from the start. And then you're stuck with it. You're in higher life. Find a fix it.

And now it makes sense because a lot of my past relationship was hurt like guessing and me not picking up on the hints and in her being frustrated that I wasn't picking up on the hints. And then now we're mad at each other. I don't know why.

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