Pure or Impure?: Reframing the Dialogue Around Sex with Brenda Marie Davies
The Refined Collective Podcast
Kat Harris
4.8 • 1.2K Ratings
🗓️ 21 April 2021
⏱️ 68 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!
Trigger warning: Multiple discussions of sexual assault in this episode.
Can you have conversations with people you don’t agree with theologically?
What does the Bible say about sex?
How can we reframe a dialogue around sex?
Is your sexual ethic rooted in fear?
You all know by now that I am a Christian and I am waiting for marriage to have sex. I thought it would be fun to have a conversation with a Christian who isn’t saving sex for marriage. And I couldn’t think of a better person to talk to. Brenda Marie Davies is the author of On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel and host of the YouTube channel and podcast God is Grey. She identifies as a progressive Christian and champions sex-positive, LGBTQ+ affirming, science-believing faith.
Reframing the dialogue
- “When you’re conflating your sexuality with this idea of pure or impure, you’re suddenly creating this black and white narrative.” - Brenda
- The phrase “sexual purity” can be particularly shaming and damaging for people who have experienced some sort of sexual assault.
- Even reframing the phrase “losing your virginity” to “having your sexual debut.” We don’t lose anything when we have sex.
- Brenda talks about how Ephesians is sometimes taken out of context to promote marital rape. This is not okay; there should always be enthusiastic consent.
- “If someone is not enthusiastically consenting to an experience, then they are being coersed into sex.” - Brenda
The swinging pendulum
- “My sexuality got completely hijacked by this ethic that was based on fear.” - Brenda
- Brenda talks about her experience at the polar opposite sides of views on sex. She recalls her experience being in a church that worshipped purity.
- “When we are living in these two polarities or extremes, you’re not just going to balance out in the middle… you don’t have the tools.” - Brenda
- “I think we flatten sexuality, we have flattened what it means to be human, and we have compartmentalized ourselves which I don’t think is a God theology.” - Kat Harris
- There is no way to reach a healthy sexual ethic by white-knuckling.
What does the Bible say about sex?
- Brenda talks about her relationship with the bible, especially when it comes to what it says about sex.
- You can find justifications in the Bible that says it is a sin and that says it is not a sin.
- “Please don’t say I’m not a Christian… it’s not a salvation issue.” - Brenda
Resources
- Keep up with Brenda at GodisGrey.com and on IG at @godisgrey.
- Listen to Brenda’s podcast, God is Grey, here.
- Listen to my conversation with Brenda on her podcast here.
- Listen to the TRC episode about why being pro-birth is not enough here.
- Listen to the TRC episode about sexual desire here.
- Read Brenda’s book On Her Knees here.
It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | In addition to being responsible for our own sexual purity, the sexual purity of the |
| 0:06.0 | entire male population was evidently on our shoulders too. |
| 0:10.6 | The weight of that responsibility felt crushing. |
| 0:14.0 | But then again, we were constantly told that avoiding lust was harder for guys than for |
| 0:19.0 | girls. |
| 0:20.0 | If that was true, then it made our efforts noble. |
| 0:24.0 | I was terrified of being the cause of any guys falling into sin, so I did my best to |
| 0:29.3 | cover up and preach to my campers, sisters, and any girl I met to follow suit. |
| 0:35.4 | I wish I could go back and apologize to every young girl I ever led to believe that it |
| 0:40.8 | was her responsibility to uphold male sexual integrity. |
| 0:45.1 | Maybe this is my opportunity to do just that. |
| 0:48.9 | In the moment, it felt valiant, like we were taking a stand for the men in our lives. |
| 0:54.3 | Only in hindsight do I see how disturbing of a narrative it was. |
| 1:00.4 | That's the next excerpt from my book, Sexless in the City. |
| 1:03.5 | You can check out all things book related at sexlessinthecitybook.com. |
| 1:12.1 | Welcome to the Refined Collective Podcast. |
| 1:14.4 | I'm your host, Cat Harris, and I'm just so glad you're here. |
| 1:18.6 | This podcast is designed to dig below the surface. |
| 1:22.5 | We're going to talk about everything from life to love and pretty much everything in |
| 1:27.0 | between. |
| 1:28.0 | So go ahead and leave that Superman cape of having it all together at the door, because |
| 1:32.6 | life is freaking messy, don't I know it. |
... |
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