The following contains strong language, violence and nudity.

It is intended only for mature audiences.

Viewer discretion advised.

The following presentation is brought to you by the Realm Network.

I did a half marathon.

But this is what happened.

I'm jogging along.

There was a woman about 60 who came up behind me slapped my ass and honestly went, that's what I call good news.

She hit me so hard. She left a weird granny hand on my arm.

That wasn't even the weirdest part.

The next day, I couldn't walk.

13 miles. I was strutting around the house, like a newborn pony.

So I had a massage. I had a massage off the poshest campus man I'd ever met in my life. I'm laid on my

belly. This was his opening sentence. He's rubbing the back of my leg. And honestly went,

oh dear God. This is unacceptable. What's unacceptable?

Your hamstrings, dear boy.

They're rock hard.

I'm sorry.

He starts rubbing my thigh and went, oh.

I was like, what's wrong?

Ridiculously stiff.

Then there was an amazing moment.

...