What it taught me is that it doesn't make sense to focus on anything that isn't going to be useful.

How is this going to help me move forward in life? How is this going to make my life better?

If it's not going to make my life better, why should I think it?

What's up guys? Welcome back to Build. And today I want to talk about language and the difference between a need and a preference. So today I wanted to dive into something that I don't know if I've talked about. I think that I've probably referenced it in the past, but I actually felt like making an entire podcast on it because it's that important. And I was talking about it in one of my last podcast where I was talking about getting the approval of others. And then it kind of stemmed as I was listening to that podcast, because a lot of you said that you really enjoyed that one, a fundamental concept. And I think a lot of people don't understand. And I feel really, really grateful that I want to say it was probably seven years ago now. I really learned this concept. And it changed everything for me. It changed how I saw myself. It changed how I managed my relationships, my marriage, my business, everything. And that one concept was so simple. It was literally the difference between a need and a preference. Right. And this kind of came up for me the other day because I was having a conversation with

somebody at work and they were expressing that their partner wasn't meeting their needs. And,

you know, when I said, like, well, what are the needs that your partner isn't meeting? It was like,

well, I need to go on a date night once a week. I need to, you know, be intimate this many times.

I need for them to tell me these things. I need to, you know, be intimate this many times. I need for them to tell me

these things. I need for them to think of these things without me prompting them. I need,

and as they were going through, I said, hold on. And I was like, what happens if you don't get this?

And they were like, well, it just sucks. And I was like, right, you have preferences. You might have

really strong preferences. I was like, but those are not needs. And I want to explain something because I've had a lot of people, quote, guess like me on this and say, well, Leela, like that's really shitty to say, like, we don't have needs. Like, they're emotional needs, they're this, they're that. but the reality is, is that using the term need and saying

that you must have it actually creates more emotional drama around the entire situation.

And it makes it harder to get what you want, not easier, right? And the reason this is so

important is because so much of our unnecessary stress, our disappointment, and even the resentment that we feel towards

a boss, a job, a coworker, our spouse, a friend. It comes from confusing these two things. It comes

from confusing a preference with a need, right? Because when we think that something is a need,

we treat it like it's a non-negotiable. And when we tell ourselves it's a non-negotiable, what happens if we don't get that? We feel deprived. We feel anxious. We feel angry. We might even spiral into like, I want to be done with this relationship, like, I don't want this shit, or I'm quitting this job, or whatever it might be. But the reality is that most of the time

when we're calling something a need, it's just a really strong preference. You really strongly

prefer to do this thing. And I think that that is where you get your power. And understand that

difference is a huge fundamental piece of it because it means that you're not held hostage to

circumstances or to other people's actions. You do not want a life

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