Are you invited to a boring event that you don't want to attend?

Then book it through Newark Airport, and we'll make sure you never make it.

Oh no, Uncle Brad, I won't be able to make your adult bar mitzvah.

Darn it, Newark Airport.

Mazzle.

Whether it's radar outages, staffing shortages, or just pouring orange juice on all the controls,

we'll find a way to ruin your flight. That's our guarantee.

Oh, I wanted to see you renew your vows so bad, but gosh darn Newark Airport redirected my flight

into a mountain. Oh!

Thank you, Newark.

And they even lost the gift I got for you.

I didn't get a gift.

And now that we're upgrading to Real ID technology,

you'll have even more excuses.

I don't even know what a real ID looks like.

Whatever you hand me, I'm just going to say, no, that's the wrong one.

Now you're getting a cavity search.

And while you're stuck in this liminal purgatory, from which there is no escape,

enjoy our many amenities.

Like the Hudson News, near Gate A-47, and And the other Hudson News near Gate C-46

And if you're hungry, feast on a turkey club wrap

That's been marinating in its own juices since September

...