Hi, hello, it's me, your favorite president, perhaps your next pope.

Well, it's been 100 years since I became president.

Excuse me.

Days, wow.

Feels longer, but people are saying that what I've done so far has single-handedly helped win

people elections, mostly in Canada.

I've also signed 147 executive orders, everything

from banning papers, draws to defunding PBS. I understand Elmo has now been apprehended by

ICE, brought to you by the letter L for El Salvador.

He's not coming back.

We've got a few new executive orders, and here to help his deputy chief of staff

and Lord of the Shadows, Stephen Miller.

Oh, wow.

Mr. President, it's an absolute pleasure to be here.

Wow, even the nice things you say sound like Kylo Ren.

All right, what do we got today, Stephen? What you got?

All right, sir. This first order would bring back Columbus Day.

Oh, it's so important. That's right. We are bringing back Columbus Day back from

the ashes. We have to protect Columbus Day for our great Italian-American friends like Tony Soprana,

Benny Blanco, and Childish Gambina. All right. What's next? All right, sir.

This order would reduce the number of interracial couples in TV commercial. It's just too many, right?

You see them in the kitchen together making meal from Hello Fresh.

...