Being vulnerable isn't me telling you the same insecurity ten times a day. That's not vulnerability, that's dumping. I'm making you responsible for my emotional state every time I feel it. That's not the same thing as vulnerability. Vulnerability is I'm insecure about this. I'm just making you aware. This is where it gets really... It's complicated but it's not complicated. And that's really what I want to talk about. Is that the phrase, he's just not that into you. When that phrase came out,

me and my husband had this big... It's complicated but it's not complicated. And that's really what I want to talk about. Is that the phrase, he's just not that into you.

When that phrase came out, me and my husband had this big, massive debate about that phrase. Because he was like, yes. Like if you're wondering why he's not making a move, he's just not that into you. It's as simple as. And what I came back is like, but sometimes you say it's as simple as, and other times it's not because you're giving me signals,

you're telling me you want to be with me.

Sometimes you are, but then you disappear again.

And so it seems like it's very messy. It's very intertwined with messaging and signals on both sides. I'm not actually saying just for me, and it's also the women I'm sure. So how do we know when something isn't that complicated? And it is exactly how they say. And other times, it's actually way more complicated. And there's this whole underlying message that maybe we're trying to read into or want to read into. How do we decipher those things? Life can be complicated. And sometimes people will come up with all sorts of logical reasons why they can't invest right now. Why they need to take a break. Why they, you know, whatever logistical difficulties there are in the two of you being together, you're far apart, that person runs their own business and they haven't got much time, whatever it may be. They may be giving you logically sound reasons as to why they're not able to give you what you want or why they would be doing this. But, and then what happens is people get entangled in all of that logic. And I think the way to simplify that and make it uncomplicated is simply to say, whether or not this logic is true is not for me to figure out. So many women take on the problem. You tell me it can't work out because of these reasons. And I see a problem to solve. So they'll go, so you're saying that we can't be together because you're

really busy with work.

Well, listen, I could do this and you could do that.

And we could find time on weekends.

And they'd start trying to solve the problem.

And part of that is because they've created

an expectation in their mind for what this could be.

We have a story.

Story is very dangerous. Because instead of watching in a relationship or dating scenario, instead of watching a story unfold, we've created the story before it's happened. People do this before they even get on a first date. You see someone asks you out, you start talking to someone, and then you look them up on Instagram, and oh wow, oh they're really cool, oh they're impressive. Oh they seem nice too, oh they're family and they're close to those people and like they have a good life and wow this is exactly the kind of person I want. I think you and me and this person could really have some. You're gonna be able to date with them yet, right? So now what happens is our mind takes the 5% of what we know and uses it to build a story for the next 95%. So now, how do we get so damaged, so hurt, so heartbroken, so quickly? That's something that we're sometimes, I think, we shock ourselves. Am I an insane person? I've been on one date with this person. And I feel like I'm experiencing a mini heartbreak because they didn't get back to me. What's happening here? That what's happening is we created a story that hasn't been earned yet. Why do we do that though? Because we want it. On one hand we want it. We want it to happen. We're a biased judge of the situation. We can't be trusted. We want it to happen. So So we're trying to find any evidence for that story that we're looking to create. I want to find the love of my life.

I want to see someone as perfect.

I want to... We want it to happen. So we're trying to find any evidence for that story that we're looking to create.

I want to find the love of my life. I want to see someone as perfect. So we're looking for evidence of that. So we start filling in the gaps. And our brains, we're just not like we do this consciously, but our brains make so many calculations. And we do it in the other direction too. We do it, you know, if we go insecurities and someone goes out one night and they don't

text us for an hour or two, who are they talking to? They're talking, they're at that party, you know, and I knew they were going to go to that party, but now that they've not texted me for a couple of hours, they're talking to someone attractive. I wonder if they're flowing. Maybe that I think they're flowing Two and a half hours they still haven't texted me. What the hell? Now we start building up a story, right? And we create this reaction. I heard a beautiful thing the other day, which is if it's, if the reaction is hysterical, then it's historical, right? Then it comes from our trauma, our wounds, our history, the beliefs that have accumulated over time. So now what we're reacting to is not the situation but our past. The situation is simply the thing that aggravated our past. And now we create a story about the future based on that. So instead of going in with a curiosity, we go in with a conclusion. So I need to slow down the story that's happening. This supercomputer is amazing, but it's also extremely dangerous because it is creating a story at a rate that is unbelievable. And the way that you slow down that story is that you start valuing a different thing. Instead of valuing potential, you start valuing the work that's actually happening in real time. There are, I always say there's four stages of importance in any relationship or potential relationship between two people. The first stage is just admiration. That's where I look at you, this person's beautiful, this person's intelligent, this person's, they've got all sorts of qualities that I really want in a person, admiration. Now that doesn't mean there's any kind of back and forth, by the way, you can have that for someone you've never met, someone you saw online, but you have a level of admiration. That's the first stage of importance, clearly not very important. Although even there, people put a ton of importance on it. I found someone I like. Like. It's so interesting. About a person. You found a person. But isn't it also good to be excited? You could be excited. But about the right thing, you could be excited that You think someone's awesome, but not about what you have together yet, because you have nothing together. So, admiration is the first stage. The second stage is connection, or you could say connection or chemistry, or both. That's where we have a kind of mutual admiration. There's some connection, there's some chemistry, there's something that's an exchange between us, where we both feel something. Again, not very important, because you could feel it with a lot of people, and that it's no indicator of investment. Right? And this is where people get real caught up. Women tell me the most horrific stories about who a guy is, about how little he invests, about how much he's disrespect for it, but we have such a great connection, Matt. Listen, our connection, like that's the thing. And they want me to buy into this idea that stage two is super important. But I don't, because I know it's not. The third stage is commitment. The

third stage is there's admiration, there's mutual connection or chemistry and there's a yes. You and I have actually said yes to each other. You want to be with me? Yeah? I want to be with you. Okay, we're doing this. Now there's an actual commitment. That's beautiful. Now we're into something important.

But there's a fourth stage and the fourth stage is compatibility. Beyond chemistry, beyond connection, beyond us both saying yes, there also needs to be compatibility. In the way we want to live our lives, in the stage of our lives that we're in. Do they work? You know, this is why one of the reasons that

relationships with big age gaps can struggle.

They can work, but they also struggle because you've got two people often in

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