We didn't get lucky for someone to be attracted to us. If someone's attracted to you, that's because there's something attractive of bow.

Now I was coaching a woman in my love life coaching group recently who told me, Matthew, I always date avoidance.

I don't want to break my heart every time. They don't want to make excuses as to why they can't have one.

So I want to talk about what it is that was going on with this person and see if you can relate if you know that you keep going for the kinds of people that ultimately break your heart.

This is a woman who had talked about having done this many times. I have a pattern of going for people who are avoidant and who eventually hurt me.

Now avoidant is a word that is used often in attachment theory, the idea of an avoidant being someone who is potentially afraid of commitment or even commitment phobic.

It could be characterized by someone who is easily suffocated or finds that they have a need for space that people who are anxiously attached don't.

It can also be a kind of person that often finds rationalizations for why they can't be intimate or have a relationship.

Now of course there's a whole spectrum of avoidance and not every avoidant is incapable of a relationship.

Many people are in relationships with avoidance even successful ones, but there is a kind of avoidant person who will willingly waste your time and becomes a very dangerous person in your life, not just for time but for your heart too.

When she told me her story, she said that a typical line she gets from guys is you're too good for me.

And I suppose we should start by saying that anyone who says you're too good for me, that's like guy language for I feel guilty because I know I'm stringing you along and I know it's going to hurt you.

And I know that our goals are different and I'm being willfully ignorant of that and I'm going to continue to try to see you and use you for my own ends even though I know this is going to hurt you.

I feel guilty about that so I'm going to say you're too good for me because it somehow makes me look like the wounded soldier in all of this and that's a sympathetic role to play rather than the perpetrator of your pain.

You're too good for me.

That's that rationalization isn't it? I can't be deeply connected to you.

I can't really commit to you because you're too good for me. Often what you'll find by the way with avoidance is that the rationalizations they use for why they can't be too close or why they can't commit will make them seem in some way either heroic or sympathetic.

In other words, whatever they say will often make them somehow come off smelling of roses and you more confused than ever.

In this particular woman's case, she was currently engaged in a situation with a guy where he said to her in a conversation when she tried to bring up what it was or what they were heading towards.

He actually said I really enjoy the relationship that we're having together but I don't want to talk about the relationship we're having together.

I don't enjoy having conversations about it and that again is like a hallmark avoidant thing to say because what you're really saying is I'm enjoying what this is giving me.

I'm enjoying existing in the moment with this thing. I'm enjoying using it to meet my needs but anytime you talk about what this actually is,

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