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Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for her Royal Highness,

Eleanor Aldroyd.

APPLAUSE

My Lords, ladies, gentlemen, chillies, mungos and cacti.

As the Queen of Tailenders, it's my absolute pleasure to welcome you to the Palace Theatre for Tailenders' Life.

The show, if you can call it, that will begin in a few months.

But first, at Chris March Time, it's traditional to pause and reflect on the past 12 months.

And what a 12 months it's been.

The greatest day ever. That's March at Headingly.

Jimmy's tweet about Sandra Bullock being a very good cactus to name just three events that changed our lives forever.

At this time, we also ask some important questions like, how did Felix end up on the debate with Graham Gooch?

What state were the toilets left in at Super Sport Park?

And how did Sandra Bullock not win Best Actress in 1995 for speed?

It is a time for family, friends, and the cricketing community to come together in the ball pond of life,

in celebration of shredding, stage diving, and stupid games that have been stolen from other programs and won no doubt in lawsuits.

Chris March is also a time of forgiveness.

So with that in mind, we shall not criticise those that man-cad, nor past judgement on Joss Butler for calling Vernon Philander a f***ing nobhead.

This is a safe space for all.

With that in mind, we need to run you through the safety drilling case of emergency.

If you hear Ashes winning captain Michael Vaughn saying, spice, spice, spice, we'd like you to turn to the person next to you,

with one of you presenting your fist and the other grabbing it and shaking the arm up and down like Felix did when he panicked in front of Dizzy Rascal back in 2010.

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