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The Virtual Couch

Is Your Marriage In Trouble!? Gottman's 4 Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling

The Virtual Couch

Tony Overbay LMFT

Education, Mental Health, Health & Fitness, Self-improvement

5643 Ratings

🗓️ 3 September 2019

⏱️ 30 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling, also known by world renowned marriage researcher John Gottman as the Four Horsemen, are signs that your marriage may, or more likely is, in need of repair. Gottman, who, along with his wife Julie, run The Gottman Institute (http://gottman.com (http://gottman.com)) a website for individuals, couples, parents and professionals alike that provides an incredible amount of information, and training, that "not only supports and repairs troubled marriages and committed relationships, but strengthens happy ones." In this episode, Tony discusses Ellie Lisitsa's article from the Gottman website, "The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/)" Learn why these communication styles can, according to Gottman's research, often predict the end of a relationship, and, more importantly, what you can do to be aware of these unhealthy styles, and what to do when you recognize them. Tony also references the Virtual Couch episode 67, Rules of Konstructive Communication, which can be found by clicking here tonyoverbay.com (http://www.tonyoverbay.com/2018/07/11/episode-67-rules-for-constructive-kommunication-rock-how-to-communicate-more-effectively/). Betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch) is the world's leading provider of online therapy. Their mission is to make professional counseling accessible, affordable, and convenient, so anyone who struggles with life's challenges can get help, anytime, anywhere. Head to http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch (http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch) for 10% off your first month of services. Also visit http://tonyoverbay.com (http://tonyoverbay.com) and sign up now to receive updates on exciting new programs designed to help you and your marriage. And visit http://pathbackrecovery.com (http://pathbackrecovery.com) to learn how to overcome turning to pornography as a coping mechanism once and for all!

Transcript

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0:00.0

Sometimes do you find yourself criticizing your partner, having a little contempt for one another,

0:04.6

regularly defensive, or even stonewalling your partner? If so, your marriage could be in trouble

0:09.6

that, according to John Gottman. We'll cover that and much, much more on this episode of the

0:13.7

virtual couch.

0:24.5

Okay, more email feedback before we get to the show.

0:25.6

And this one is so good.

0:27.0

This one is my favorite.

0:28.2

I know we're not supposed to have favorites.

0:30.6

Each and every email is very important to me, just like all of my kids.

0:32.5

But you're going to like this one a lot.

0:35.9

It says Tony, and I did get permission from the author of this email.

0:39.0

Tony, therapy is like a bathroom in the middle of a long run.

0:40.1

They already had me right there.

0:42.4

I've got plenty of stories about bathrooms in the middle of the long run.

0:47.5

But the person goes on to say, just wait to let you know you're making a difference in my life.

0:51.8

My wife first introduced me to your podcast a year or so during a rough period of time for both of us.

0:58.8

Discussing your episodes is broken the ice for so much needed conversations between us, which I'm so grateful for. I really am. Back to the email.

1:03.3

That alone has been amazing. I'm using BetterHelp, thanks to you. I live in a small time.

1:07.5

Let me just say that would be BetterHelp.com slash virtual couch. Please go there. If you're going to take a look at betterhelp.com, please go to betterhelp.com slash virtual

1:11.0

couch.

1:11.3

It really helps the podcast.

1:12.7

But he says, I'm using better help thanks to you.

...

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