It's not uncommon for the ones we love who are struggling with addiction to have an affair. This disease makes good men and women do awful, hurtful things.

So if you have been a victim of infidelity, my heart can relate. We are sisters. And it's devastating. Your heart feels like it's physically in pain and it takes your breath away in random moments throughout the day - like when you're doing the dishes or reading a book.

After my ex-husband cheated I felt dirty and used. How could he? Isn't the fact that I am still with him enough? I am sticking by his side while he drinks himself to death and continually breaks promises to get better. Doesn't that count for something?

But the really scary part? When we find out they are cheating and we still want them back.

You judge yourself for needing them. Shouldn't this be my breaking point? Any "normal" woman would kick them out of the house and never want to see them again. But you feel the opposite. You feel like you want them close. So close.

You want them to confess their mistake, show you how awful they feel about it, and then spend the next several years proving to you how much they love you.

Yeah, I've been there.

---

So here's what to do:

1. Don't judge yourself. Your reaction is acceptable. You had your heart broken. Your world was crushed. Be kind to yourself. If you want to yell, fine. If you want to cry, fine. Maybe you want to deny, fine. It's all fine. Just get through the day. Say how you feel and make it until bedtime. If you feel something different tomorrow, that's okay. You can change your mind and your feelings a thousand times over. This is new, so give yourself grace.

2. Don't make a decision to leave or stay until you have really processed. You need to work through this. If you want to temporarily kick him out because you need to be alone with your feelings, do it. If you want to hold him close and ask why, that works too. Just keep going back to forgiveness for yourself.

---

Oh and one more very important thing…

This was NOT your fault. None of it. This is NOT about the fact that you are not putting more effort into your hair or hitting the gym. It's NOT about the fact that you nag him or her or that they think you can't have any fun because you're not partying.

This is all about the disease. It's just that simple. So any kind of blame or shame you're feeling? You can give that right back to the disease.

Kindness and gentleness and self-love. That's what it's about right now.

P.S. If you're feeling alone and not sure what to do, I am personally extending you an invitation to join me in one of our programs. We can walk through this together. You don't have to do this alone.