If You Want This Kind of Love, Don’t Expect It to Be Easy

Modern Love

The New York Times

Nytimes, Redemption, Society & Culture, New York Times, Love, Essay, Storytelling, Loss, Nyt

4.4 • 8.7K Ratings

🗓️ 5 March 2025

⏱️ 41 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

When Samaiya Mushtaq was growing up, she imagined marrying a kind Muslim man, and at 21, she did. But while studying to become a psychiatrist in medical school, she realized her husband couldn’t meet her emotional needs — something she deeply craved. Despite the shame she felt, she got a divorce. In this episode, Mushtaq shares the twists and turns of her unexpected second chance at love, where service is at the center. From working in health care during the pandemic to building a family to undertaking harrowing service trips to Gaza, she found what she truly needed in a marriage — only after letting go of what she thought she wanted. Samaiya Mushtaq’s memoir will be published by Daybreak Press next winter. This episode was inspired by her 2023 essay, “Must We Feel Shame Over Divorce?” Here’s how to submit a Modern Love essay to The New York Times Here’s how to submit a Tiny Love Story

Transcript

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0:00.0	Love now and all.
0:03.0	Love was stronger than anything.
0:07.0	I feel of love.
0:08.0	And I love you more than anything.
0:10.0	What is love?
0:11.0	Love.
0:12.0	Love.
0:13.0	He was a good person.
0:18.0	He seemed caring.
0:20.0	There wasn't anything wrong with him. He was a good person. He seemed caring.
0:23.9	There wasn't anything wrong with him.
0:27.9	Sure, he's not emotionally complicated,
0:31.4	but maybe emotionally being simple is a good thing.
0:36.3	Samaya Moushtak grew up hoping to marry a nice Muslim man.
0:45.7	I didn't really hear about marriage as this really joyful or emotionally connected type of union.
0:47.8	It seemed like much more.
0:52.2	You marry somebody that you have a lot of shared characteristics with.
0:55.4	You have children with them and you raise those children.
0:59.2	While she was in college, Samaya met that nice man.
1:02.3	At 21, when she was in medical school, they got married.
1:06.9	But as the marriage progressed, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing.
1:15.5	Those moments where I was really vulnerable talking about something and the reaction wasn't like an emotional hug.
	...

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