Hi. You're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about identifying the forms of defensiveness. Did you know there's three different

kinds? You've probably experienced them all in some shape or form, whether it was the way you've responded to someone or if you've been on the receiving end. The three kinds are counterattack, righteous indignation, and innocent victimhood. These labels may not sound familiar, but we're willing to bet you'll be able to relate when we explain what each of

them are. Identifying these three forms can help you realize how you may be responding defensively,

totally unknowingly. Let's say you went grocery shopping. And when you got home, your partner said,

did you remember to get toilet paper? A counterattack response would be something like, no, but you didn't

remember to take the garbage out last night, so I guess we're even. A counterattack response

is an escalation of conflict through scorekeeping, tit for tat. It's saying, well, you did this,

so it's fine that I did that. There's also righteous indignation, an impulsive, offended response

to a perceived attack. It's saying, I don't see why I always have to be the one getting toilet

paper. You use the bathroom just as much as I do. It's becoming instantly defensive while

responding to what you believe is an attack. And then there's innocent victimhood,

a third form of defensiveness. It's often disguised as whining, but it's a rush to shame oneself

and make the other person feel bad for the perceived attack. An example would be,

I have so much going on right now and going to the store stresses me out. How can you expect me to remember?

The key to catching your own defensiveness is to pay attention to when you are potentially

misinterpreting a statement or question as an attack. When you're feeling defensive,

it could be helpful to think about the intent of the conversation that's making you feel

defensive. What does a non-defensive

response sound like? It can express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, an understanding of

your partner's perspective. Something like, oops, I forgot the toilet paper. I should have asked you

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