Every 62 minutes, at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder. That's basically every hour. Every hour someone has struggled so profusely with mental illness that has resulted in them losing their life. But today's women of impact refused to be one of those statistics. And even while lying in a hospital bed at terrifying weight of just 56 pounds, unable to walk from anorexia, she refused to let the doctors be right when he told her parents to plan her funeral. She refused to allow this to be the end of her story. So she fought and she slowly took herself from the hospital bed to trying food she hadn't eaten in over seven years. But sadly her recovery was actually short-lived and no, she actually didn't relapse. Like Tarzan, she swung hard in the other direction and her healthy weight gain quickly led to gaining 30 pounds a month due to daily bingeing. By the time she tipped the scale at 221 pounds in less than a year, she realized that restricting or bingeing on foods was a symptom, not the actual core problem. She finally realised that her struggle had absolutely nothing to do with her body, but everything to do with her mind. And in order to make real change, like no BS, real change, she just had to start there. Now four years in recovery, today's women of impact is a certified professional coach whose story has been featured in Cosmo, The New York Post and The Doctors to Name a Few. She is also the author of the incredible book, Safety and Numbers, from 56 to 221 pounds, My Battle with Eating Disorders. It's a raw, honest and traumatising memoir of a 10-year battle with three forms of severe eating disorders, anorexia, binge eating and bulimia. So please, help me in welcoming the woman who is now an advocate for those facing eating disorders and mental health issues, the woman who has dedicated her life to helping others find their path towards recovery, and the woman who strives to be a role model and bring inspiration to those who have lost all hope. The remarkable Brittany Berganda. Welcome to the show, my dear. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for being here. Your story is just absolutely incredible and the one thing I never want to assume is that it's all good now you're fine. I know that it has been an evolution for you but I actually want to start from the beginning and kind of work our way through and have a quote that I'd like to start with. So you said, I was bullied constantly by my peers and I had no friends. I thought it was my fault. I thought that there was something wrong with me. Maybe if I change myself, people would like me. And the reason why I wanted to start there is because I think that that's something that people struggle with so much being accepted. Yeah, so when I was young, I would go to school and I didn't have friends and I was getting bullied and I figured there must be something wrong with me because everyone's living these lives and they seem to be happy and have friends. And I started quickly looking to externals and thinking that maybe in order to be happy you had to be successful, you had to be beautiful, you had to be a really talented athlete or get good grades. And I just figured there was some internal flaw within me. So terrible that I believed externals would maybe make up for it. And I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to reach unrealistic expectations. Maybe if I'm the best tennis player in the whole entire world, I'll be Accepted and happy and have self-esteem and have friends and maybe that will make up or hide what's so wrong with me and I did the same thing sort of this black and white thinking All or nothing either I have to be the best or I'm worthless and that was was just something I, a core belief that stuck with me from a very young age. Yeah. It never dawned on me. So growing up, I had a mother who was basically anorexic. I don't know if she ever labeled herself that. But I grew up seeing, you know, her eating very little and just kind of getting completely skinny. And it never dawned on me that it was about the control. I always thought it was about the food. So talk to me about the control element of that. Yeah, I felt so out of control. Now for me, I couldn't control whether my peers were going to bully me or accept me. I tried really hard to be the best student and get the top grades, but I couldn't always control that. There were always going to be other people who maybe were smarter than I was. I couldn't control whether or not I was going to lose a tennis match. And pretty soon that pressure that I put on myself to be the best at everything, who can do that? Like I don't even think superwoman can do that. You know, pretty soon I was like, I can't do it anymore. And so I started turning to food. And my mind kind of came up with these weird games, like maybe all count calories, or I'll try to like get my food or eat the same thing every day. And it simplified my life. Just being able to focus on food rather than what was really, really hurting me internally, which was anxiety and depression and loneliness and not having friends. And just believing I was a bad person somehow. And so by distracting my mind by thinking about food and my body and my weight, that gave me a sense of control. However, early on, I didn't even know it wasn't eating disorder. I just knew that I would get instant gratification every time I I saw the number on the scale get less. Or if I saw a slight change in my body or appearance, I somehow believed maybe that's going to lead me to happiness. Maybe that will fill the holes in me that are empty right now and make me happy. Yeah, and it was in taking that control for yourself that seemed to have then spiraled to down into like severe anorexia and being hospitalized. And this is what I really, like I was excited to talk to about because there's certain moments of control that I think can be amazing for you, right? It's like just saying about the, you know, looking at the number on the scale for people who are unhealthy, overweight, taking controls actually good for them. Absolutely. But sometimes in your case, taking the control, probably the fact was the worst thing that could have happened, and how, like, have you been able to look at that control and be like, okay, this is when it's good for me and this isn't when it's good for me? Absolutely. I mean, back when I was really struggling, I thought I was in control, but in reality, I was completely out of control. What for me now is really a huge strength. And what I had to realize was just in my recovery process through all of these eating disorders and everything I've been through, change is scary. When I think anyone and especially for me, just the thought of change, especially taking that first step, it's so terrifying that you're just like you start thinking like how do I get from A to Z? And how do I get from the bottom of the mountain to the top of the mountain? And that's just not how it works. You don't change overnight. And I kept putting a tremendous amount of pressure that, oh my god, everything has to change. Like, that's too scary. That's too scary. I can't do it. But it's really not about changing yourself, but just rearranging. Where are you putting that energy and that strength? I've always had which helped me survive really unthinkable things. I've always had a huge amount of fight and strength and perseverance, but I was putting all that energy into the wrong areas of myself and into the wrong outlets. And that's why I got to such really destructive places internally which then blood out to external my external life as well but really I had to rearrange my thinking one by one and that led to change but it was just transferring that same fight and energy towards positives within me. Alright that's so freaking powerful so let's break it down so that people who are listening or watching can actually use that in their own life because I also don't actually think that you have to have had an eating disorder to be able to relate to what you're talking about. I think it's any emotional struggle that you're going through. So let's break that down. So eventually you realize it's actually not good for you, but you don't realize this for so long. You keep me saying you're unhealthy about to do I, you're anorexic and you're still like hiding weights in your car. So clearly it wasn't people telling you. So what was that thing that made you take that shift and then how can people at home replicate that?

Yeah. So again, like you said, it really doesn't matter whether you're struggling with an eating disorder or you're just unhappy in your life, whether you're struggling with your weight addiction. They're all, they share so many similarities and overlaps. So for me, I really had to get to a place. Everyone kept asking me, do you wanna die? And I told myself, no, I don't wanna die. But what no one ever really asked me and what I never asked myself was, do you wanna live? And I had to think about that, and it hit me really hard because when just reframed that question, I realized that, okay, I don't want to die. Like, but do I really want to live? Because I have one foot in destruction, one foot in life, and so I'm just existing right now. And that felt safe and that felt comfortable. However, was I happy? No. And so I really had to get honest with myself and say, look, you are, you know where your eating disorder is going to take you. You know where not taking care of yourself is going to lead you. You're going to be unhappy. But you're also terrified of really living and you've

never done that either. But right now you're kind of just stuck. You're not taking a step in either direction. And I hit rock bottom in my mind. And that's where all my problems and wrongful thinking, that's where it all started. It was just how I mentally thought about myself and then that turned into how I perceived the world and my surroundings. And that's also really where my healing began is going back to my mind and just really breaking it down again and looking in the mirror and saying, no, you aren't a bad person. I do want to live and just really breaking it down again and looking in the mirror and saying, no, you aren't a bad person. And I do want to live. And despite everything I've gone through, I can still change. And I can take what I've gone through and actually use it as strength. And one by one, that started to slowly change my life. And it doesn't, again, happen overnight. I think the hardest part too with any sort of healing is that you can't see it, which was really hard for me who was always cleaning to external validations and what I really had to do was find ways to go within myself and boost myself the scene. How do you do that though? Because if you're in a situation where you've gone like you're like 56 pounds in the hospital, then you transition, you start eating healthy, everyone's encouraging you even though you're eating junk food, right? People are like, oh no, you look great. And then you went too far over, let's say, and went up to 221 pounds. How do you, in that mist of being so, like, tumultuous, right, your life of, like, we're losing weight, putting on too much, you've got all this outside noise that I'm sure is screaming at you. How do you navigate all of that? To then find that voice that allows you to dig deep. Yeah. I didn't know my own voice. For ever, I did not know who I was. If you asked me anything about myself, I had just become so used to my identity being the girl with the eating disorder. Why? Or the girl who I was the athlete. I was the good student. I was anything but Brittany, anything. And a big part of my healing was saying, I need to learn how to validate myself alone. And without any sort of external feedback or any sort of external successes, I have to go and heal and have to find out who I am by myself who is Brittany and is she good enough without straight A's? Is she good enough without a smile on her face? And what's so difficult about that process and any sort of healing is that it's very lonely and it does not happen overnight and no one can see when you're changing your mind, it's not visible. So if you're losing weight or if your body's changing, it's easy to look in the mirror to have people say, hey look you look different, you know good job and you've got outside people congratulating you and being your cheerleader. And when you're doing any sort of So I think, just healing that's going to last, or if you're really trying to change your mind, or if you're looking for something that is not going to be a quick fix, but a change that will take you through your whole life, then you're going to put in a tremendous amount of work that no one can see. And you have to be your own cheerleader. And you have to say, OK, I'm working really hard, but it looks different from the type of work that you're doing. And you have to be OK with that and trust that you're building a foundation that's going to then give you those things that you want. Yeah. That's incredible. And I didn't expect you to say that because so many people, like,

people that I've had on the show up, people that I talk outside, to most people say, surround yourself with friends and family. Right? Like, that's how, like, how do you get out of this situation? Yeah. The answer I'm mostly 99% of the time get is be around friends and family. But then how do you, because you actually almost, in a way, like, I get it, but you can't

contradict it yourself as well, but I'm saying, be around friends and family. But then how do you, because you actually almost, in a way, like, I get it, but you can't contradict yourself as well, I'm saying, but it felt lonely. You always need to do it. So how would you not let the loneliness take over again and say to yourself, no, lonely, being lonely right now is what I need. How would you have to do that? Yeah, so I was very used to the company of my eating disorder. And that, you know, because I didn't have a lot of friends anyway growing up and throughout a lot of my life, I never had good friends. I've been very fortunate to always have a very supportive family. But besides that, it was just my, I had my eating disorder was sort of like my built-in worst best friend. And so without, as I began to recover, my head got quieter because my eating disorder got quieter no matter how many good friends I did meet or how supportive my family was, it had to come from me. And I think what was so difficult and what was really a wake up call for me for me was I was the only one who could save myself. And I kept thinking, you know, for being such a hard working individual, I could never seem to recover. And I thought I would never recover from my eating disorder. I thought I would never change. And I felt I had exhausted every option. And I got to the point where I was so lonely, I was so fed up. I had no self-esteem. I didn't believe in myself at all. I wanted someone else to just say, like, here's the magic wand. Here's the magic formula. Here's the magic diet. Here's the magic therapist. Here's the magic, anything, move, anything. I was willing to have anyone just tell me what to do. And none of it ever worked. It might last, it might have lasted very temporarily but then all the bad, all the bad thoughts that I had about myself or bad behaviors would soon come back and really to change my life I had to realize that I had to make the choice for myself and my parents couldn't make my eating disorder go away. It wasn't my fault that I developed an eating disorder and that's really important. It wasn't a choice, but as far as recovery and as far as wanting to change my life, only I could do it. And it didn't matter if I received the best treatment or no treatment and for anyone else if they're going through a tough time, support is so necessary, but ultimately it has to come from you. And you have to have some sort of fire within something that drives you that's bigger than you, that will keep you going, even when you don't want to, even in those lonely moments. So what was that fire for you? For me, it was everyone, it was the other people that were struggling that reached out to me. And eating disorders and just mental health is so secretive and it's not talked about. And I began sharing my story. And people were, they'd write me privately and be like, oh my god, I thought I was the only one. And I thought I was the only one who had these crazy thoughts or who did these weird things or who hated myself. And so it was really just hearing also that other people shared similar experiences that I went through. And I realized that my voice was important. Maybe I can be that one person that they could look to in their darkest times, that they don't have to go down to roads as dark as I did. And I really wanted that for others, because I didn't have it when I was struggling. I always mentally think, alright, I pretend I'm talking to like my younger self. Or someone comes to me or someone reaches out to me, I always think, you know, if it were me and if I were really backstrowing with my interaxia, this one person in what they're saying, even a stranger really could have changed my life. Maybe I can help them hang on, even if it's just for a week. Maybe I can help them move along in their life in a better way. That's amazing. How do you not get trapped in identity? Right? Because you've gone through evolution. So you've gone through being an anorexie. You've been labeled that and then you get better and you become being eating binge eating can appear be some not quite the correct. Then you become that's you become that's your identity and now your identity is the recovering. So how do you actually not get trapped in any of those? Because even though it's amazing that you're in recovery, something inside me is telling me it's actually a little dangerous to the label you that as well. It's really difficult. I have to and I've gone my relationship with myself and with just how much do I want to put my time into helping others with eating disorder and this and that, how much do I want to talk about it? That has been such a difficult balance for me personally. Because again, it's just the more you immerse yourself in it, it's kind of addicting. And it's kind of addicting, again, not in a necessarily a healthy way to attach your identity even to something positive. And so I definitely went through a period where I sort of felt like I have to be the perfect recovery of one model. And again, that's like exactly the opposite of what recovery is and what I stand for. Recovery is it's up and down. It's a roller coaster. It's anything but linear. And yet I was almost holding myself to this unrealistic standard that especially when talking about mental health where no, you know, it's such a sensitive topic. Everyone's going to have a different experience, but I was putting this pressure on myself that I have to be this perfect recovery voice for everyone struggling with anorexia, for struggling with binge eating disorder, for struggling with bulimia, for struggling with anxiety, depression, PTSD, mental health. How do I be, I can't say anything wrong, I have to be perfect. And yet how I got, how I went through, all that I went through and got to where I am now, it was through being so goddamn imperfect that I mean, I was just, my life was a catastrophe. I was just, just this raging ball of chaos is probably what an outsider would have thought or what was going on in my mind. And so I'm very careful now with just boundaries as I think doing all that internal work and really getting to know myself alone, to getting to know myself, who am I without the identity of a good student? Who am I without an eating disorder? Who am I without friends? Who am I without an amazing job? Or I really had to say, am I okay with myself, Brittany Burgunder, with nothing? And I had to get to know myself inside and out and look in the mirror and say, you know what? Yeah, I am proud of you and you are good enough and no, you're not perfect and that's okay. And not everyone will like you and that's okay. And you can continue to grow and learn and you still are important in this world just as you are right now. And that has carried over to help me now with, yeah, I'm a voice for recovery but I have many other interests and I have many other things that are important to me and so I think again it's just knowing that recovery and that's a huge part of me and that's my passion and I feel that's my purpose in life but it doesn't define me. It doesn't label me and it doesn't confine me to a certain way because then I lose who I am. So I do have a good balance between doing the work I'm passionate about, but then also making sure my mind is filled with other content that inspires me, motivates me, and helps me grow as an individual. And then I get all the tens of court and I go, have fun. And I got a puppy. I have good friends, but there has to be a balance. And what it comes down to is if I lost this or that, or if I go through a hardship, if I have a challenge in my life, if social media was gone, if my business was gone, if I could never play tennis again, would I still be a good person? Could I still look in the mirror and say, you have value. And I do. But it took me a really long time and a lot of alone time to get to that point. And I assume it's never ending, right? Even now people look at you, you're very articulate, very well-spoken, you're able to really take ownership of your past and what you've learned and you know, you're so incredible and I have been so inspired for you, for so many years. But how do you make sure that you don't let that then keep you where you are and you're still able to keep growing? Yeah. I, again, I start looking probably to new people and new ways to challenge my mind. And for me, if something scares me, I have to do it. Cause I know that's what's going to help me grow. And for me, like being a voice for recovery or the eating disorder world, I guess you could say I'm good at it because I know it, but it doesn't challenge me and it doesn't help me grow. And so I've really learned that there is, really the best thing you can do is be a beginner in life and in many different things. And to realize that you're not starting over from square one, but it's amazing to learn. The one thing I love about change in general is being able to learn something you're evolving. I find, and maybe you can talk about this, about self-sabotaging, right? So it's like you're on a path,

you're doing great and as human beings, I'm not alone, you're alone, I'm sure everyone listening to this has done this at some point in their life, where they self-sabotage and when I think about it, it's not like people mean to. So talk to me about that, I have a hell, do we recognize that we're self-sabotaging and then change that.

Yeah, I did this all the time I do it.

I'm laughing. about that, I had a hell-do-wee, recognize that we're self-sabotaging and then change that.

Yeah, I did this all the time, I do it. I'm laughing because I'll do it on the tennis court even. I'll be maybe winning a match and then I'll start, then my mind will start getting really busy and I'll start thinking, no, you're not good enough. Like, no, you don't deserve to win or no, No, you don't, and then I'll start, you know,

end up losing the match maybe because I just end up beating myself. And I think there's some sort of, at least for me, pressure that if I win or if I'm happy or if I succeed, there's this pressure that I have to keep it up. Push the Eupon yourself. And so in a way, I think I would often sell sabotage because that was almost easier to just beat myself first. And it was almost this shield because then someone else didn't have to beat me. I felt like I was in control because then it was easier for me to say, what if, rather than I lost. Oh, interesting. Um, self-sabotage is something that we all do, no matter who you are, no matter where you are in your life. And it's, how do you get out of your own way? How do you, um, how do you use your strengths? And again, it's a confidence issue. I think a little bit is just saying, no, you know what, I worked hard for this. And I don't have to somehow feel bad for taking up space in the world. Wow. And that's crazy. I did not expect that answer by the way, because for me, when I think about in the past,

when I was younger, when I used to self-sabotage, it was more to kind of reassure myself, see, you knew you couldn't do it. You know, versus the, you know, the what if is like what you said. Like to me, that never even occurred to me. So for me, and I hear that a lot, And that of course was sort of, I was self-sabotage in that way too, at times, if things were going well in my life in the past, sometimes I would just be like, you know what, things are going too well, and then I would just turn to my eating disorder because things going well was uncomfortable for me. I was comfortable not being happy. Wow. So in a way for me, I grew up getting very used to uncomfortable feeling worthless and I got comfortable feeling unhappy. And so as much as that's not what I wanted, it's what I felt I deserved. And so every time I began to feel happy, I was like, no, something's wrong, something's wrong, something, some catastrophes going to happen. And so I wanted to self-sabotage to make sure that I had control over whatever happy thing that was going on. So, and it was sort of like, again, going back to my childhood and bullying. I felt that if I rejected myself first, then if a person did, it didn't hurt so much, because I beat them to it. I had that control. I bullied myself first. And then going through recovery, I realized, no. Instead of rejecting myself first, I can accept myself first. How do you actually do that then? Yeah, well That's me as a work in sitting you know sitting alone in a room crying and getting angry and letting out all those emotions But like if you can give let's say three tips or actual things up You can do right now if they're in that situation. I get it. Yeah look everyone listening please understand this We're we're never gonna be able to give you, or like you said, like the golden ticket, to be like complete you recovery. So what are the things that at least people can maybe try to help them get there? It's really daunting to think I have to change. I have to give up everything. So think about it as I'm just rearranging parts of my life one by one.

You just taking that fight and energy you're putting into your eating disorder. You're slowly going to rearrange it and take some of that energy and put it into a new outlet in your life. And that's really the first step is just to any sort of change. take, realize that you are way more capable and way stronger than you think. You just have

to rearrange that energy and where you're putting it. How do you know to listen to that voice though? Because if you've gotten to that voice that for so long, ten years, what has been saying, you're not good enough, you know, see you're not worth, you're worthy, like all this stuff that just 10 years of that is a lot.

So going, okay, I want to make that first step. I'm not happy. Tell yourself that you're worthy. Can you actually believe it or do you not believe it at first? You know what? Honestly at first you're not going to believe it. Right. So it's going to take, you really have to go with in and say, you know what, I'm not happy I'm going to put my trust in someone else in something else. And hey, tell

yourself, and this is, I'm not happy. I'm going to put my trust in someone else, in something else.

And hey, tell yourself, and this is what I did, is that, you know what, try it. If you don't like it, just go back to your eating disorder. Go back to your same familiar. I mean, that's almost an awful thing to say, but it's blunt. And it's, sometimes it's the tough love you need to kind of take that first step is realize, look,

if it's too scary, if recovery is really too scary, if being happy is really too scary, if living a better life, just go back, just go back. If you need that safety net, just take it one step at a time, but you're not going to believe it. And it took me years before I could actually believe it for myself. And I needed a lot of other people to kind of say like, no, you are a good person. You should love yourself for you don't need your eating disorder. It is harmful. It is this. It is that. And I didn't believe them. but it works over time just hearing that positive reinforcement away from what you're eating disorder, just away from the negative habits that you have. You do need other people to say like, no, this is a better path, this is a better path, this is a better path. And the more you keep doing that and hearing that and trying it then for yourself, it starts to become your own truth and you do start to believe it, but it's a very slow process. Yeah. The reason why I asked is that was actually one thing that I started doing. So, you know, as you know, I've been suffering from about three years of digestive issues. And I started to identify as a sick person, the person that can't go out and eat a restaurant. And you become this type of person. And then everyone starts to treat you like that. And I remember it really hitting me thinking, this is dangerous. I'm actually going down a dangerous path right now. And I need to stop identifying myself as a sick person.

So what I did, my mom, God bless her,

she would keep asking me like, oh my God, are you a case of everything fine? Can I do? And she, because she cares. I started to realize it was, that was detrimental to my mindset, because it's reminding me that I'm sick. It's putting my mind into the victim mode. And so I actually sat her down and I said,

Mom, I need you to just stop saying this.

And she's like, but I want you to know you.

I care.

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