Now today for our daily cancellation, now that Christmas season has officially, or rather unofficially,

the officially the Christmas season actually starts on Christmas. I don't know if you knew that.

I'm going to take a bold, bold step that will only shock and offend you until you realize that I come not as your oppressor, but as your liberator. I seek to free you and free all of us, once and for all, from the tyranny of Christmas trees.

Christmas trees are canceled.

This madness has gone on for long enough.

I'm drawing the line in the sand right now.

No more Christmas trees.

We are done with Christmas trees.

Now, it may come as a surprise,

but the early Christians never thought to cut down a tree

and put it in their house for three weeks

as part of their Christmas celebration.

One could only imagine how the conversation would have went

had anyone suggested something like that.

Hey, it's almost Christmas. What do you say we go and chop down that perfectly healthy tree out

there, drag it inside, and watch it slowly die? It'll be so festive.

My tree. The idea probably would not have been warmly received. And that's why nobody had a

Christmas tree until some depraved lunatic in Germany, as always,

decided that there weren't enough distracting hassles associated with the holiday and came up with this idea.

And it was the worst thing anyone had done related to Christmas since St. Nick started the whole gift-giving thing,

which is another problem in of itself.

This isn't the biggest bag over the head. Punching the face I ever.

...