Hi. You're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less. Today's tip is about

practicing non-defensiveness. It takes actual practice to respond and listen without getting

defensive. It's difficult. For a lot of people, it's an

automatic reaction. Maybe you respond that way because you feel a need to stick up for yourself,

but you may not always need to. It's important to practice taking a step back and making

sure you understand the situation before jumping to your own defense. Here's an example. Let's say your

partner asks you, did you remember to confirm our reservations for this weekend? Before you respond

with one of the three forms of defensiveness, which are counterattack, righteous indignation,

and innocent victimhood, take a minute to assess the situation. You can say to yourself, I feel defensive

because I did not remember to confirm our reservations. Am I being criticized or am I perceiving this

as an attack? My partner isn't criticizing me, but I perceive this to be an attack because I'm

sensitive to the implication that I'm forgetful or careless. Can I overlook that to keep this

conversation on track? If you can't overlook it, that's fine. You could say to your partner,

I'm feeling defensive. I feel like you're implying that I'm careless. Then your partner can help

clarify and together you can get the conversation back on track and look forward to your weekend

reservations.

Give yourself some grace and be patient as you practice non-defensiveness. If you slip up and get

defensive, it's okay. It's catching yourself doing it that matters. If you realize it quickly,

you could even ask your partner for a do-over. Let's use our earlier example. Your partner says,

did you remember to confirm our reservations for this weekend? You instantly snap back by saying,

get off my back. Who are you? My mom? Actually, wait, can I try that again? I'm sorry. If your partner

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